


Then Again

by fulltimephanmeme



Category: Amazingphil - Fandom, Danisnotonfire - Fandom, Phandom, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009 Phan, 2012 Phan, 2015 Phan, Domestic Phan, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phan Fluff, Phandom - Freeform, Phanfiction, YouTube
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-10
Updated: 2016-11-07
Packaged: 2018-08-21 17:59:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 34,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8255138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fulltimephanmeme/pseuds/fulltimephanmeme
Summary: Dan and Phil are tired of hiding in plain sight. They decide to make a video looking back on the last nine years together and reveal the truth - or at least most of it. 
excerpt: Dan knew this was going to be a screenshot that everyone watching would take. He knew it'd be a gif slowed down to melodramatic music with a cheesy quote underneath but for once Dan couldn't bring himself to care.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> a/n: THERE IS A SECOND CHAPTER COMING. this is very very loosely based on Dan and Phil. I am not suggesting any relations in this fic are true irl. some of the dates will be incorrect. Adrian is an OC as i have no idea what Dan's brother is actually like. sorry Chris isnt in this really, i just feel like i can't write him properly. also i don't think Dan and Phil would ever film a coming out video (it's all a little too formal for them you know?) but i'm using it as a way to have them look back at where they've been together. it has a happy ending so dw. 
> 
> trigger warning for homophobia, disapproving parents, quitting school, mentions of sex, mentions of depression, minor body insecurities, yelling, arguments

Clicking on the camera was always easy for Phil to do. He had been on YouTube for more than a decade, this was more normal to him than it would be to almost anyone else, yet somehow Phil had never been this nervous to sit in front of a lens; this time it felt as if the lens was a microscope examining something personal rather than just another frame by frame video.

“You ready?” Phil asked, knowing they had already talked this over roughly a million times but still not believing it was happening.

Dan joked, “Do you really want to give me a chance to back out of this?”

Phil had seen Dan go through a whole nightmare of self-hate and denial, he didn't need to trigger another year of torture for the both of them simply because he hadn't made sure Dan was completely ready this time, “I don't want you regretting anything.”

“Look, I'm ready… alright? It'll be easier once we do our intro and start talking. I've been ready Phil, this is just a perfect time to tell them.” Dan explained.

“This shouldn't be about them.” Phil knew he was probably just annoying Dan at this point but he needed to be completely sure Dan was doing what he needed to do, not what others wanted him to.

Once this was out there was never going to be a way to brush it off as a joke or misunderstanding like they had in the past.

“Well it kind of bloody is!” Dan smiled, “Phil, I love you. Thank you for making sure I'm sure, but I've been sure about this for a while. Recently the only thing keeping me back has been timing, and this is the perfect timing to tell them exactly how ridiculously stupidly in love with you I am. I want to tell them that you're more than just a friend; and I know they know, but I want to be able to say ‘the love of my life’ instead of ‘my flatmate’ without causing a shit-storm. For fucks sake Phil! I'm tired of hiding in plain sight. We deserve some freedom from this... this secret. This should have never been kept a secret for so long.”

Phil searched Dan’s unwavering gaze before nodding in agreement, squeezing Dan’s hand before turned to face the camera. Dan counted under his breath from three down to one so they could both say their hello to the camera at the same time.

“Hello Internet!” Dan saluted.

“Hey guys!” Phil waved.

They met eyes for a second, taking a deep breath together before Dan started, “So here's the real story - or at least the whole story; everything we told you guys was true-”

“Well except for those times we lied.” Phil added with a concerned expression.

“Ok so everything we told you guys was true except for pretty much everything I said in 2012” Dan laughed.

“He was going through a lot, don't be mad at him!” Phil tried to defend Dan.

“Well yeah my – you know what? We should just start from the beginning.” Dan chuckled.

•••

November 30th 2008:

"Make sure you get your homework done before I have to remind you!" Dans mum yelled after him as he took the stairs by two that lead to his room.

Dan sighed at the sight of the same old brown walls and tried to shrug the school day off as he dropped his backpack at the inside of his bedroom door. Dan plopped onto his bed and pushed his laptop onto his lap to rewatch one of AmazingPhil's videos but instead found that the YouTuber had posted something new.

Dan hit play.

"Meow! I'm not enjoying this wide screen I feel a bit lost..."

By the end of the video Dan was back to his faint smile. Somehow Phil was the only person who could always make him smile. Phil of course didn't know Dan but that was ok by him. After all Phil was famous with almost eight thousand subscribers to his channel. Dan was just another fan.

•••

“Yeah I was basically just a complete fanboy.” Dan joked.

“Good thing you tweeted at me so much! Could've never noticed you with my large following at the time!” Phil poked fun.

Dan just stared at him, secretly amused while only slightly keeping a straight face, "Large following? Really Phil eight thousand is-"

“Anyway!” Phil turned back to the camera, laughing a bit, “I told PJ all about Dan!”

•••

June 8th 2009:

"What do you mean?" PJ laughed.

"I mean this guy is seriously depressed!" Phil replied, a bit frustrated that PJ didn't seem very concerned.

"What kid isn't?" PJ scoffed.

"I guess..." Phil admitted after several seconds, shaking his head.

"Exactly. Now just because this kid is a fan of yours and seems to have quite a bit in common with you doesn't make him your responsibility to cheer up! You're too kind Phil, it'll tire you out one of these days." PJ explained, honestly just trying to make Phil understand that the worlds happiness wasn't his responsibility.

"You know I don't like to call them fans!” Phil pouted.

“What would you rather me call them? Tiny Internet explorers?” PJ joked, munching on some crisps.

“I just don't want him to be sad. I want to say something to this guy... I just don't know what." Phil was silent for a moment until the Skype call continued with Chris coming into PJ's room and things got loud and distracting until Phil ended up saying goodbye.

Usually him and PJ were in sync. They could just look at each other and understand what was going on with one another, but this time Phil felt on his own.

•••

“PJ eventually got me to collect my guts and direct message you.” Phil pulled an animated brave face, not mentioning that although PJ was supportive he definitely wasn't the one to convince Phil.

PJ had just been more concerned for Phil than Dan - and rightly so since PJ was friends with Phil. He was worried that by talking to one fan it would lead to Phil feeling responsible to reach out to every fan. Phil had a lot of practice at making up small stories to make it less complicated for the audience. How do you explain even small dramas to millions of people without them all coming up with their own theories and making everything sound worse than things are?

“Was I that intimating?” Dan joked, he of course knew the full story.

Dan knew PJ hadn't thought Dan to be anything but another fan of Phil's until he'd met him. Dan knew PJ wasn't the one to convince Phil, not that he wasn't supportive of him. Dan knew that he had been a depressed teen, an awkward fanboy reaching out to an idol he thought he'd never meet. Dan knew that Phil had reached out to him in an attempt to help him, not become his friend.

Dan knew that they had started out as strangers and then friends before anything else.

Dan knew Phil was editing a lot of Dans secrets out and he quietly thanked him by rubbing a thumb over Phil’s, just out of shot of the camera.

“You definitely were!” Phil nodded his head seriously, squeezing back at Dans silent conversation.

“So what possessed you to Skype me that day?” Dan asked, his eyes only on him.

“As if you don't know!” Phil rolled his eyes playfully.

“For them then?” Dan tilted his head to the camera, keeping his eyes glued onto Phil’s.

Phil sighed, wondering if this was too vulnerable to share in a video, “Honestly? I was getting scared that… that you might not like me. I needed to see your face on the screen, needed to have you see mine. I needed to read your emotions because God knows it's hard to over text.”

“You were scared?” Dan asked, already having known this about Phil but wanting to let Phil know it's ok open up to their audience this time.

“Yeah! You’re so cute! I would just read through our messages and think about how funny and clever and interesting you were and think to myself ‘I've got no chance with this guy’. So I needed to just pull it off like a bandaid. I needed to ask if you would like to Skype with me…” Phil held eye contact with Dan for a few seconds before turning back to the camera, “I was nervous as heck - excuse my French!”

•••

September 2nd 2009:

"I swear to god Adrian if you don't get out of my room in the next five seconds I'm-" Dan tried to threaten his brother.

"Oh! I see how it is! Choosing some girl over your own flesh and blood!" Adrian teased back.

Dan rolled his eyes, "For the last time it's not a girl!"

"Oh sure! You smile at your phone every time she messages you back! I see the look in your eyes!" Adrian announced with a smirk as he walked out of Dan’s room.

"Finally." Dan mumbled, sighing as he sat down to open his computer and check Twitter.

Dan's feed consisted of the usual: friends complaining, lame jokes about two girls one cup, and tweets from AmazingPhil; but when Dan checked his messages he found something different than what he was used to.

AmazingPhil: hey can you Skype?

Dan didn't know what to think. I mean, sure they had been talking for two and a half months now but Skype? Dan still saw himself as that little fifteen year old clicking on AmazingPhil’s latest videos.

Dan took a deep breath.

danisnotonfire: sure

Within minutes Dan got a friend request on Skype from Phil. Dan clicked accept and then the video started loading once Phil called.

Dan felt his heart pumping low and fast. Wiping his nervous hands over his black skinny jeans, his mind racing with anxieties and then Phil’s face was on his screen. His heart stopped.

"-the video working?" Phil’s voice came blasting through Dans laptop speakers.

Dan scrambled to turn the volume down and grab some headphones.

"Uh yeah, I can see you, can you see me?" Dan felt his voice shaking a bit as he plugged his headphones in.

"No but I can hear you." Phil said with a little frown.

Dan fiddled with his settings for a minute and then exited out of some programs that were probably slowing Skype down before asking, "How about now?"

"There you are!" Phil announced with a grin.

"Here I am." Dan blushed.

•••

“I was nervous too.” Dan admitted, his cheeks rosy at the memory.

“Well obviously! I mean,” Phil motioned to his body, “look at me – how couldn't you be nervous talking to this hot lad!”

“Really?” Dan asked, raising one unimpressed eyebrow in Phil's direction.

“What?” Phil acted innocent.

“Nothing Phil, you're precious.” Dan said after a second, leaving Phil in a fit of giggles.

•••

October 7th 2009:

"-and so she told me to stop buying American cheese!" Dan was laughing over Skype, recounting something his friend had told him at a lunch get together.

"My parents are going on holiday." Phil blurted out.

"Oh where to?" Dan was still giggling a little, not noticing how Phil's voice was a bit lower than usual and his ears red from anxiety.

"I'm not sure." Phil replied, his face serious from the effort to not show how nervous he was.

"What do you mean?" Dan asked, still smiling.

"Well when they told me they were going on holiday I zoned out because I realized I'd have the house to myself." Phil continued.

"Ooh going to throw a big house party then?" Dan joked.

"Maybe just a party of one." Phil said.

"PJ coming over?" Dan asked, reaching over the laptop screen to grab some cashews.

"No I was thinking maybe you." Phil tried to sound laid back but failed miserably once he saw Dans eyes widen, "I mean if you'd be ok with that because-"

"Really?" Dan gulped, having forgotten to even chew the couple of cashews in his mouth.

"Yeah." Phil replied, feeling his rising anxiety subside a bit.

"When're your parents going on holiday then?" Dan tried to blink his thoughts away from the typical 'oh my god actual AmazingPhil just invited me over to his house'.

"They'll be gone from the 18th to the 26th." Phil said.

"I have no way of getting there. My car is shit and would break down half way there." Dan felt his heart sink a bit.

"Well there's a train that goes from London to Manchester. We could meet on the train platform and I could drive you to my house." Phil explained.

"You've really thought this out" Dan laughed.

"Is it that obvious?" Phil chuckled.

•••

“Guys I know it doesn't sound like a big deal, ok? But it was. It's Phil for heavens sake! I was nervous and he was gorgeous. I was young and stupid and lied to my parents so I could go and he was stunning and perfect and had the house to himself. What can I say?” Dan admitted in a joking tone.

“It was a pretty lame way to ask someone to come over to my house. Like ‘hey take this long train ride to a city you've only been to a couple times in hopes that I don't flake on picking you up to hangout at my pigsty house’.” Phil tried to say it in a northern accent.

“Your house was pretty crap tbh” Dan nodded.

“Dan! My mum and dad still live there!” Phil raised his eyebrows at Dan.

“Yeah but they've done loads of improvements! At least the place doesn't have green walls now!” Dan retorted.

“What are you, an interior designer?” Phil joked.

“No but you know what we are? Off topic.” Dan brought the conversation back to the subject of the video they were making.

“Right! So the day we met!” Phil continued.

“I was completely sure that I had dreamt it all by the way.” Dan mumbled to the camera.

“So was I” Phil said to Dan.

“Well aren't we both just the cheesiest love birds.” Dan smiled.

•••

October 8th 2009 7:04pm:

"Hey mum?" Dan almost muttered, ready to be shot down before he'd even begun to explain.

She sighed, "What is it Daniel?"

"Well I've bought a train ticket to see a friend and I just thought-" Dan started, trying to speed through his explanation before he could be interrupted.

"What friend?" Dans dad walked into the kitchen to grab a beer.

"A friend from Manchester." Dan was going to try his best to avoid lying but he refused to give up a chance to see Phil, he'd already bought the ticket anyway.

"Do we know them?" Dan’s mum asked, going back to cleaning the counter.

"Um no, you haven't met him but I just uh, I guess since I'm eighteen I'm - well, I thought I'd let you know I'll be gone for a few days." Dan tried to sound firm so that it wouldn't be up for discussion.

"When?" Dan’s mum asked with a poorly masked tired expression.

"Hold on a second! Son you don't get to tell me what you're doing or when. As long as you live under my roof you do as I say, understand?" Dans dad said, slightly irritated, taking another swig of his beer.

"Uh y-yes but I just thought since I'm a bit older now-" Dan tried again.

"Look honey when are you planning on going?" Dans mum asked, trying to avoid a potential fight.

"The nineteenth until the twenty fifth." Dan said.

"Alright that sounds fine to me just-" Dans mum started.

"No. I don't know your friend Daniel. He could be a fag for all I know and I won't be letting my boy around those types." Dans dad continued.

"It's not like that dad. he's not-" Dan started.

"I don't want to hear it. Until I've met this boy you aren't going." Dans dad stated.

"I think it's time he starts living his own life, he's eighteen Eugene." Dans mum told her husband, obviously trying to keep her face calmer than her boiling inside.

"Eighteen doesn't mean shit if Daniel isn't out of the house." His dad continued as if Dan wasn't in the room.

"Eighteen means he's smart enough to get where he wants to without our permission. He's going to do what he wants Eugene, all we can do is hope he tells us so we know he's safe." Dans mum tried to reason.

Eugene stays silent for a moment, obviously uncomfortable that his wife had questioned him in front of their son.

Dans dad took a long sip from his beer before exiting the room saying, "Nineteenth to the twenty-first then."

•••

Dan didn't mention how homophobic his farther was or how many issues Eugene would cause in the next few years. All Dan would mention in this video was the good times he had with Phil and the generics of the bad times the audience already sort of knew about. No need to stir up things from the past.

•••

October 19th 2009 5:00am:

It’s cold the morning Dan has planned to meet Phil. He's put on a several layers in an attempt to keep warm but he was still getting the nervous chills that come with having anxiety.

Dan drives his crappy car to the train and parks several blocks away so he won't have to pay for special train parking.

Everything feels so surreal this early in the morning. No one is about and the air is too fresh and cold to think straight. It's like everything is moving in slow motion and Dan wonders if he's dreaming.

Dan 5:58am: i'm getting on the train. i'll text you when I get close.

Phil 5:59am: are you packed for a full exciting day in Manchester? c:

Dan smiled at his phone.

Dan 5:59am: as long as you're there

Phil 6:00am: wouldn't miss it for the world!

Dan 6:02am: i'm surprised you're awake actually. you know you aren't picking me up until like 8:30am right?

Phil 6:05am: am I not allowed to be excited to finally meet you? O.O

Dan 6:06am: yes but you're also allowed to sleep

Dan put his phone away after selecting some music to listen to, his head was already trying to convince him that this was all completely bonkers.

He had gone mad hadn't he? Actual AmazingPhil wanting to hangout with him for more than a Skype call? The man must be pretty fucking bored to be desperate enough to tolerate him. Either that or lonely. Or worse – maybe Phil thinks Dan is cool. He's in for a colossal bag of disappointment Dan thought.

Dan shook the worries out of his head, not wanting to freak himself out more than he already was. He tried to keep his mind on what was going on outside the window of the train rather than everything inside his brain. He figured there was a lot of stuff moving whichever place he went.

Dan 8:28am: i'm here

The train platform was well lit and intrusively populated. Dan walked around with his hands shoved deep in his pockets to keep them from shaking.

His phone buzzed and his heart sped up.

Phil 8:28am: so am i!

Dan searched the crowd, looking for a head of black hair. His heartbeat is low and pulsing fast, just like the time they Skyped for the first time except a hundred times worse.

Minutes passed with no avail.

Dan starts to think maybe this had all been a practical joke. After all – no one likes Dan Howell.

That's when Dan spotted him. The boy was looking for him too, his blue eyes searching the crowd until they met Dans. Dans heart stopped. A huge smile cracked Phil’s pale face open and then Dan was running, and so was Phil.

They were pushing through the mass of people on the platform, desperately trying to get to each other. They slammed into each other, hugging. A bone crushing hug with tears from Dan.

Phil whispering in Dans ear over and over again, “I'm so glad you're here.”

•••

“Look Phil is just a really good hugger ok? Hugging is an art form guys! Truly, some people aren't all that good at hugging and Phil is the opposite of people like that. I was crying because I was appreciating his art!” Dan tried lamely.

“So you were crying that day because my hugs are so great?” Phil stared at Dan, ready to call bullshit.

“Yeah it definitely wasn't about the fact that you were my YouTube senpi or about how cute you looked in your flannel or about the fact that you're real and in my arms for the first time. It definitely wasn't about meeting you or about how when you hugged me it just felt like..." Dan had been making light of the topic so far and stopped himself before saying a truth that was more vulnerable, suddenly was aware of the camera on him, /fuck it/ he thought, "like this overwhelmingly amount of affection surrounding me. It definitely wasn't about the fact that it was the first time I had really felt safe in… I don't know how long.” Dan had gone from joking to quite serious, keeping the sarcasm there to keep himself from projectile vomiting at his own words; clearing his throat he continued, “How can someone not cry?”

Phil’s lips flickered through a reassuring smiled before kissing Dans cheek, “And after the train platform?”

“Well you took me to Starbucks.” Dan laughed, steadying his breathing, relieved to have Phil sitting next to him to film this video; glad to have him be the one there next to him.

•••

October 19th 2009 9:02am:

“So where to?” Dan tried to calm himself, tried to play off his tears as just the cold making his eyes water, or just allergies, or really anything but the fact that Phil Lester just hugged him and was glad to have him – Dan Howell – there with him.

“Well I was thinking somewhere exotic! A Northern treasure! Some place you've never been!” Phil sounded excited, a skip to his steps.

Dan watched Phil, an uncontrollable grin playing on his mouth.

“Starbucks!” Phil exclaimed, getting a low chuckle from Dan who was blushing at how utterly stupidly great this was.

They had waited for so long to meet each other and Phil’s big plan was Starbucks? Dan swore Phil was the biggest dork he'd ever have the pleasure to meet.

Once at Starbucks Dan ordered his caramel macchiato and Phil followed suit before they sat down at a bench downstairs.

Phil asked how Dan’s train ride was, the whole time not able to comprehend that he was sitting next to the brown haired boy that he had spent countless hours on Skype with. This is real. He is real and right across the table from me, not 300kilometers away. This is happening.

•••

“The whole day was perfect.” Phil said softly, looking towards Dan.

“We were basically your basic white girls at Starbucks” Dan said, looking at the camera in an attempt to lighten the mood.

Phil laughed, “We spent the day in Manchester and at the end of the day I took Dan home to my parents house.”

Phil didn't want everything they had done that day to be public knowledge. Of course many of their subscribers knew about SkyBar but there was no need to bring that up again. They wanted to be honest to their viewers without giving up all privacy.

The train platform hug they couldn't avoid the topic of. This is something their audience had asked about for years and they knew there was no point in glossing over it. SkyBar however was their first proper date and was definitely not as well known. Their first date was theirs and theirs alone.

“And the eighteen year old stalker that I was had finally gotten into AmazingPhil’s house.” Dan cackled, jokingly wiggling his fingers as if an evil plan had hatched.

Phil laughed, his tongue slipping out between his teeth as he pushed Dan playfully.

•••

October 19th 2009 10:04pm:

“This,” Phil fiddled with his key for a few seconds before opening the door, “is my humble Adobe!”

Dan watched as Phil walked through the doorway, taking his shoes off and putting his keys in a bowl on a table near the door.

Phil turned around and smiled at Dan telling him, “Come on in Dan, make yourself at home!”

“Oh, right.” Dans cheeks flushed pink as he watched his own feet walk over the threshold.

Phil gave Dan a tour, the whole time kind of freaking out at how quiet Dan was being.

“-and this is my room. I've got the bed all set up for you and you can put your bags here if you'd like.” Phil patted the top of his dresser, “The sheets and duvet are clean and there's a pile of folded blankets if I didn't leave out enough for you. The bathroom is just down the hall and there's a towel for you there too.”

Phil watched Dan as he walked around his bedroom, examining all the knickknacks and posters.

Dan was simply in disbelief. He wanted to look at every small treasure in this room and memorize it.

“Is Uma Thurman going to kill me in the middle of the night?” Dan joked, looking at the Kill Bill poster that was on the door to Phil’s room.

“Well your name isn't Bill right?” Phil smiled, standing behind Dan a bit .

“She kills loads of people Phil.” Dan turned his head over his shoulder to look at Phil.

“Well let's hope she doesn't pull a Ringu after we watch her movie.” Phil said.

“The film?” Dan turned his body to face Phil.

“Well yeah I don’t remember the name of-” Phil started.

“Sadako. Her name is Sadako.” Dan interrupted.

“Sadako sounds too much like sudoku.” Phil couldn't wipe the smirk off his face.

Dan sighed dramatically and shook his head at Phil, "Wow. Such a fake fan."

•••

“Dan slept over for a few days and we had loads of fun!” Phil said, using his hands to gesture how exciting it was.

Dan pushing Phil’s hands out of his way, “So yes, all those tweets and all those creepy ideas you have about us were right. Go ahead and give yourself a pat on the back for being cheeky little sherlocks.”

“Maybe not all of your ideas actually! We weren't dating yet.” Phil looked quizzical.

“Well, not quite. No.” Dan admitted.

•••

October 20th 2009 9:06am:

Dan woke up with a start, unsure where he was for a second before remembering the train ride and Starbucks and Phil.

Phil is real and just in the other room. Phil is real and hugged him yesterday. Phil is real and Dan is in his room. Phil is really real.

The night before had ended calmly with Dan unpacking his things and Phil making him a ham sandwich.

Phil had gone to sleep in his brothers bedroom and Dan in Phil’s room.

Dan wasn't sure why Phil didn't just have Dan sleep in Martyn's room but he shrugged it off thinking Phil was just trying to be polite; after all Dan would definitely feel more out of place in a room of someone he doesn't know.

Light knocking sounded from the door.

“Are you awake?” Phil whispered.

“Yeah come on in” Dan croaked, ruffling his hair in an attempt to get rid of any bed head; instead the effort just made him look more sleepy and caught off guard.

Phil opened the door and smiled at Dan, blushing a bit at the sight of Dans bare chest.

“Oh right, morning!” Dan pulled the sheets up to cover his chest, wondering the last time a friend of his had blushed at the sight of him shirtless.

Dan tried not to think about it after Phil had left the room with a change of clothes in hand, instead heading downstairs to make breakfast.

Not knowing the kitchen very well or where to find things Dan decided to settle for making pancakes. Dan had only gotten to pouring the mix onto the pan before Phil was finished with his shower.

He had a purple shirt on and jeans, his black hair shining from the dampness stuck to each strand.

“Why're you making breakfast?” Phil laughed, moving Dan to a chair to sit and taking over the cooking.

“I was hungry!” Dan whined, “I was guessing you would be too.”

“Yes and I'll cook it! You're my guest!” Phil persisted.

Dan sat back in his chair after shrugging.

“Did you sleep alright?” Phil asked.

“Yeah you're bed squeaks a lot though.” Dan laughed.

“Tell me about it!” Phil chuckled.

“Sorry that I was making pancakes, couldn't find ingredients for much else.” Dan smiled shyly.

“No need to apologize! I love pancakes!” Phil said before flipping one.

“Nice flip!” Dan was genuinely surprised.

“wow klutz like me, wasn't expecting that!” Phil said.

“thought you said you were clumsy Phil!” Dan accused.

“I am!” Phil tried to defend himself, “I don't know what's gotten into me! Suddenly I have pancake flipping powers or something!”

Once the pancakes were done they sat in silence, appreciating the food and smell of morning air.

“Five out of five stars.” Dan said with his mouth full.

Phil smiled at the way Dans cheeks were stuffed, “That's what you reckon, is it?”

Dan nodded vigorously, causing a train of syrup to race down his chin and making Phil giggle.

“So I was thinking that since you've got a YouTube video up now and all that, um maybe you should start collaborating.” Phil started, clearing his throat.

Dan stopped chewing for a second, trying to process where Phil was going with this.

“Yeah. That's a good idea.” Dan said, swallowing both his nerves and chewed pancake.

“Right so would you like to collaborate with me?” Phil spat it out before he could rethink this for at least the hundredth time.

Phil of course knew why he was nervous. Dan is an incredibly attractive friend of his that he gets along with quite well. Phil wasn't daft, he knew himself well enough to recognise that he had started liking Dan as more than just a friend quite a while ago.

Usually when Phil started liking someone who was a friend of his, which admittedly wasn't very common as he didn't crush easily, he would try to distance himself in hopes of saving the friendship. And although Phil cared deeply about the growing friendship between him and Dan he definitely felt that there was no running from his emotions this time. Distance in a long distance friendship isn't exactly easy; and what if Dan felt the same way?

“Course!” Dan tried to sound less excited than he was but his inner fifteen year old was practically having a fireworks show in his chest.

“Well great I've got an idea for my channel.” Phil felt silly for having been so nervous for asking about that.

“Really?” Dan blushed, now realizing this had been thought out.

“Yeah it's not the most original thing but I think it'd be fun.” Phil replied.

“So what's the plan?” Dan asked.

“Well first you're going to finish eating and then you'll take a shower. After that we can film!” Phil was definitely excited.

“Bossy much?” Dan chuckled.

They took their time with breakfast, not finishing up until almost three hours later.

After breakfast they watched Buffy and muted the sound in order to come up with their own stupid lines and jokes. Dan using an annoyingly high pitched voice to deliver his lame jokes and Phil laughing so much he could barely say his own lines.

Dan got out of the shower to find Phil’s video camera already on its tiny tripod and Phil on his phone.

“So what're we filming for the video?” Dan asked, fixing his fringe with one hand.

“Phil is Not on Fire” Phil moved his palm across the air from one side to other as if he was announcing the latest blockbuster hit.

“You just combined our usernames?” Dan asked.

“Quite creative for a boring old Q and A video I reckon.” Phil kept scrolling on his phone before Dan grabbed it out of his hand.

“Well if this is a Q and A you can't look at the questions before filming!” Dan said.

“I was just collecting the good ones!” Phil protested.

“Well if I'm in a Q and A video that has nothing to do with me then I have to do something! I'll pick the questions and I'll read them to you on camera so it's not so awkward.” Dan said.

“Bossy much?” Phil joked.

“Shut up.” Dan cracked a smile and sat next to him on the carpet.

•••

“So when did we start dating? Like in my rule book of dating I'd say it was when we started calling each other boyfriends.” Dan explained.

“That's a pretty standard belief Dan.” Phil almost rolled his eyes as he smiled at Dan.

“I mean sure we did do some… things that friends don't really do before either of us said anything about feelings but since we never talked about it I don't think they count as boyfriend things.” Dan tried.

“Well I think it's about when you commit to someone. I was committed to the idea of us being together after about a month of us talking.” Phil admitted.

Dan felt out of breath, Phil never failed to surprise him, “Are you serious?” Dan laughed.

Phil nodded simply.

“Why am I just hearing about this?” Dan seemed slightly offended.

“Well you never asked!” Phil retorted.

"It's been nine years Phil."

"It's not my fault that you never bothered to ask Da-" Phil tried.

"Nine years!" Dan interrupted.

•••

October 21st 2009 2:37am:

Dan replayed in his head what had just happened.

Phil Lester had just tackled him to the ground, their faces millimetres apart as Phil pinned Dan to the ground with a hug and his crooked smile, sharing the same shy breath. Dan had gone from blushing and giggling to staring up at Phil in happy disbelief.

Of course Phil didn't know what he was doing. He just adored Dan and Dan was being such a dork. Phil heard Dan say in his half-sarcastic monotone voice that ‘This was the most fun I've ever had’ and he just lost it, how couldn't he? Phil's heart was trapped in his chest trying desperately to show Dan that this was the most fun he'd ever had too.

For fucks sake he was so tired of being so god damn sad. Everything that's happened the last year and a half and here Dan was smiling and giggling and making everything feel shiny and bright and alive again. How do you say something like that when your mouth always stumbles over itself? The only way to even begin to explain something like that was to just show it.

They were both tired and blushing, Phil let himself collapse next to Dan with part of his chest on top of Dans.

“You have a lot to edit.” Dan laughed, a little out breath and hoping Phil couldn't feel his heart racing.

“It's only a few hours to edit down” Phil watched Dans face, keeping his movements measured in order to keep himself from kissing Dans cheek.

“We've been filming since three pm Phil.” Dan giggled, meeting Phil's eyes.

“Yeah… a few hours” Phil couldn't keep his eyes off of Dans lips.

It's silly really, how mesmerising someone's lips can be when they belong to someone you find beautiful. It's like everything you find stunning about them multiplies in intensity when you start to think of them as more than a friend.

The same was true for eyes though.

Dan couldn't let himself blink. Phil was just staring at him with this _look._ Dan felt his heart slow, he felt safe.

“You're very handsome." Dan almost whispered.

Phil was silent, not sure how to properly respond, “You're very pretty, Howell.”

“Pretty?” Dan softly giggled, “I'm not a girl.”

“Yeah, what's your point?” Phil slipped his crooked smile back on.

“My point is, Lester, that you're blind.” Dan smiled back.

•••

“So when were you committed to the idea of us then?” Phil inquired.

“Well after the tackle hug I thought you might be into me or something.” Dan explained, gesturing awkwardly with nervousness.

“Yeah but when did you decide to go for it?” Phil asked, already knowing the answer.

“You know when! Unlike SOME people I actually tell my partner when I started liking them and when I decided to make a leap of faith that you might like me back.” Dan looked at the camera, trying and failing to ignore Phil.

"Look I'm sorry alright! I didn't know it was such a big deal of _when_ I started liking you!" Phil pouted.

"Oh right, as if you couldn't have mentioned this sometime in the last NINE _YEARS_ PHIL." Dan shook his head, not actually all the mad at the older boy.

Phil studied Dans face quickly before pecking him on the lips. Dan sat there for a few seconds not knowing what to say.

"Don't edit that out." Phil mumbled, still keeping his eyes on Dan.

"What was that for?" Dan asked, referring to the kiss.

Phil shrugged, "You were being loud and grumpy." 

"So you just decide to shut me up with a kiss?" Dan asked, blushing tomato red.

"It worked didn't it?" Phil asked, knowing it would get Dan going.

"You're going to pay for that later." Dan said, already knowing the tricks he'd pull out later.

•••

October 21st 2009 11:07am:

"Look I'm not saying I don't want to go outside, I'm just saying I'm quite comfy right where I am and I'm much too lazy to move." Dan whined, resting his head on Phil's shoulder and playing with Phil's thumbs.

Dan didn't know when exactly it became ok for him to play with Phil's hands but he figured it was ok since Phil didn't seem to mind.

"What if I carry you?" Phil asked, mostly joking.

"What if my weight crushes you?" Dan stated the question flatly, sighing.

"Look you aren't going to win this. I'm taking you out before you leave, you better go get ready." Phil almost hated the thought of Dan leaving the bed much less the room for more than a minute but he knew he wanted Dan to see the Manchester eye.

"Oh, you're taking me on a date Lester?" Dan faked excitement, although he was looking forward to what Phil had in mind.

"That's right sweetheart now go powder your face!" Phil played along.

"Why am i the girl?" Dan whined, standing up.

"Because you're pretty." Phil smiled innocently.

"Well I'm not the one with Shakira hips." Dan said as he collected some clothes to change into after his much needed shower.

"Oi! Those are a blessing from my mother!" Phil teased.

After Dan got ready Phil drove Dan around the city to his favourite spots, showing him the arcade shop and a strange flee market where they sold trinkets and antique nicknacks of all kinds.

When they arrived at the Manchester eye their cheeks hurt from smiling too much and they were holding hands.

_Friends hold hands sometimes, right?_

Dan tried to tell himself that but he couldn't shake the feeling that this was different than the other times he had held a friends hand.

Dan knew he had a crush on Phil after about a week of watching his videos. Dan told himself he had grown up since then. Obviously Phil wasn't exactly the same as he is in his videos and Dan can't possibly have a crush on a man he's mostly seen through a computer screen.

He couldn't remember if it was him or Phil that had reached out to hold the others hand and maybe they both reached to hold hands at the same time, either way the important part was that they had met in the middle.

Dan thought it felt nice and tried to not make more of it than it was even if his stomach fluttered telling him otherwise. After all, despite the way Dan felt, Phil was just being a good friend and it was foolish of Dan to think it could be more than that.

Phil paid for both of their tickets - much to Dan's protest - and then they got on one of the carriages.

They sat next to each other, still holding hands.

"So, how're you liking our first date?" Phil asked jokingly, referring to their previous conversation.

"It could use some improvements." Dan said, as if he was unimpressed.

"Oh really?" Phil asked, quirking an eyebrow in interest.

"Yeah it's kind of lame you know?" Dan was only looking Phil's direction occasionally, too nervous to keep eye contact.

_What am I doing?_

"How so?" Phil asked, chuckling to himself.

This was it. Dan saw that they were reaching the top of the ride and it felt like if he waited until they were on their way down again he'd never tell Phil how he felt. Like once the carriage began to descend there wouldn't be another chance, the moment would be gone.

"Well, for one you haven't even kissed me yet." Dan tried to keep himself from speeding through the words, turning his gaze to Phil and keeping it there.

Phil froze, a look of shock on his face and Dan didn't have time to ask himself if he should have said that before he leaned forward and pecked Phil on the lips.

Dan leaned back to see Phil still sitting there looking like a deer in headlights.

_Shit._

He decided immediately that he had properly messed this up. Only been around Phil for five days and he'd managed to fuck it all up.

Dan would've continued down this dooms day of anxiety until he realised Phil hadn't pulled his hand away and decided to take that as a good sign  

But still he was sure he had just ruined everything. 100% right? They were only friends and Dan's silly urge to kiss a cute boy had just been that - nothing. Dan was allowed to kiss a boy if he found him cute and not be chalked up to be crushing on him, right?

Dan watched as Phil swallowed and the way Dan's heart sank as his stomach fluttered just at the sight of his pale neck only cemented that _yes_ he most definitely had a huge crush on Phil and _no_ there was no downplaying it to just wanting to kiss him because he's cute.

"Sorry." Dan mumbled after a second of waiting for Phil to react and say something - anything.

_Isn't Phil supposed to say something?_

Phil blinked once, twice and then pulled his hand from Dans only to place that hand on the back of Dans neck, pulling his face up for another kiss.

•••

"So you weren't committed until seconds before you told me you liked me?" Phil asked, more for the audience than for himself.

"Well I didn't exactly tell you, I showed you, but yeah I guess you could say that. I just figured why commit to something when you aren't sure if you've got the guts to go for it? As soon as I knew I was going to tell you is when I knew I was committed. There's no better test." Dan explained.

"I'm not nearly as brave as you, bear." Phil said.

"Really? Going to start using that nickname on camera now?" Dan asked, a bit surprised.

Phil shrugged, "This is a video explaining our firsts, isn't it?"

•••

October 31st 2009:

"How did the ride treat you?” Phil asked after meeting Dan on the London train platform.

“Shouldn't I be the one asking you that? you're the one who had the long ride this time.” Dan was already smiling, the rest of his uneasy and dull life seeming to fade out of his mind.

One less thing to worry about; it's just Phil and his smile and his stupid puns and his hand in his… Dan decides right then and there that this is exactly what he needs right now; in fact this is what he's been needing for years.

They make their way through the day, together and blushing far too much for either of them to ignore and neither of them caring too much where they go as long as it's together.

The YouTube Halloween gathering starts and Dan can't help but notice when Phil lets go of his hand. They say hi to Phil’s friends and a few other YouTubers but end up walking to the fountain away from the crowds together.

“This costume is so hot I wish I could change out of it.” Dan complains.

“But you're such a cute teddy bear!” Phil says.

“Um, no Phil, I'm actually a fierce wild bear.” Dan can't get through the sentence without smiling.

“Well you'll still be my bear, won't you?” Phil asks.

“As long as you're my kitten.” Dan points at Phil's cat ear headband.

“I am _not_ a kitten. I'm a manly lion.” Phil says.

“You'll still be mine though?” Dan asks, having started this conversation jokingly but honestly a bit serious a this point even though he knew this was all a bit daft of them.

As if saying something meant anything, as if saying you're someone's doesn't mean you won't turn around and hurt them. Still Dan felt a need to hear Phil promise him in their own lame half-joking way.

“I'm yours.” Phil said it with sincerity once he realized how serious Dan was being, “And I'll even be a kitten instead of a lion if that's the only way you'll be mine.” Phil says as he rolls his eyes playfully.

Dan laughs and finds it easy to smile looking up at the London lights and Phil is looking at him and not caring how cheesy it all is.

_After all it's supposed to be cheesy, isn't it?_

How can nights like these not be cheesy? When your heart feels like it's bursting at the seams with affection and your lips tingle with longing and your hands shake to be held, how can something like that feel anything short of cheesy?

Phil realizes he would have never let anyone pull him away from his friends before tonight, even more amazing was that Dan seemed happy to just be with Phil even if they weren't alone.

And although Phil loves his friends he realizes he really doesn't care all that much to spend time with them when he's got Dan beside him. It's all the same to him except this – Dan.

Phil heard Dan giggle and felt him push on his shoulder saying, “You twat! Stop staring at me like a pathetic cheese ball!”

Phil's stomach flip flopped at the sound of Dan so happy and light. Phil smiled a small smile and slid his hand into Dans.

They stay like that for a long time.

The next morning they woke up on a friends couch together and intertwined, Dan on top of Phil.

“Morning Danny” Phil greeted, his chin tickled by Dans bed head.

Dan mumbled something that Phil couldn't quite make out but chuckled at how tired Dan always was in the morning.

“Dan you're going to be late coming home.” Phil reminded the boy, still half awake himself.

“I don't fucking care. I'll just stay here with you.” Phil noted that Dan's voice is much more whiny when he's tired.

“I'm going to be late for my train.” Phil said, not wanting to leave either.

“Oh,” Dan sat up, his eyes half open and his cheeks flushed from having gotten up too fast, “Sorry yeah, we should get going.”

At the train platform Phil thinks it isn't possible to have his heart this heavy from seeing someone go home, doesn't realize how long he holds onto Dan’s hand even when they see his train coming, doesn't mind that Dan is the only thought in his head even when his own train comes.

•••

“So if we're going to talk about our firsts then when was the first time you knew you loved me?” Dan asked, his voice smoother and sweeter than it usually is on camera.

“Well I definitely started falling for you first.” Phil almost defended.

“I fell in love with AmazingPhil before I fell in love with you but you really aren't all that different off camera so I'd say I fell for you first.” Dan said, knowing that was true at the time they had met and keeping the fact that Phil's branding had changed since then to himself.

“I remember the exact moment I realised I was falling in love with you.” Phil said, a smirk working its way onto his pink lips.

“But falling in love and being in love are different. If you fell for me that's different than falling in love with me. One is past tense like you've already done it and the other is present tense and is still happening.” Dan debated.

“I say falling in love with you because I'm always falling for you... God that sounds cheesy but it's true! I always think my love for you will get to the next level and then plateau but it never really does. I end up being happier every day I'm around you and yet I thought it was never possible to feel even a fraction of any of this.” Phil explained.

It was Dan's turn to kiss Phil's cheek, and he did so warmly.

They both stayed in silence for a moment, forgetting about the camera, instead just being with each other.

"So at what moment did you realize you were falling in love with me then?” Dan asked.

•••

November 6th 2009:

Today was a mess. Phil and him had stayed up almost all night on Skype and now Dan was running late for his train to Manchester. Dan collected his bag and changed clothes quickly, shoving his feet into his sneakers and grabbing his keys as he headed out the door in such a rush that he didn't notice the note his mum left for him on the kitchen counter.

By some miracle Dan got on the train in time and sat down panting from actually running through the ticket area.

Today was the day Dan was going to meet Phil's parents and it wasn't helping Dans anxiety.

To Dan it seemed easier to lie, after all that's what he did with his parents all the time, but Phil's parents were different. Phil's parents knew that Dan was dating their son and were supportive, it's not like Phil's sexuality was news to them anyway.

Even with that knowledge of acceptance Dan wasn't exactly excited; he knew he should be, it meant Phil saw him as important enough to show off, but instead Dan could only think of the ways he would fuck this up.

Dan had told Phil all the ways he'd mess it all up but Phil was stubborn; so dinner at his place it was.

Dan sighed from relief when he found a text from Phil and put his phone away after he responded, only to have his gaze fall onto his stomach.

 _Great_ , Dan thought, _the cherry on top to this already stressful day is that I'm bloated. Today is not going to be good._

When Dan got to the train platform Phil was there waiting for him and they hugged, just as eager to be in each other's arms as the last time.

“Are you sure you want me to meet your parents today?” Dan asked, looking up at the taller boy walking beside him.

“Yes.” Phil said, nodding his head and flashing Dan a smile.

“Well then I hope they like crappy wine because I have almost no money and this is the best wine I could get." Dan said, patting his backpack to indicate that the bottle of wine was in there.

"You didn't have to bring anything bear, you're our guest.” Phil chuckled.

“But I want your parents to like me.” Dan said, feeling a bit shy about it.

“You don't have to bribe them into liking you.” Phil said, putting Dans hand in his own, “Trust me they'll love you.”

Dan nodded to himself and focused on the feeling of Phil holding his hand and the cold November air on his cheeks rather than the worries threatening to flood his brain.

_Today is going to be good._

At Phil's house Dan didn't know what to do with his hands or what to say or think. Phil's family is so different than his own. Everyone is smiling and from what Dan can tell it's not fake.

Dan learns that Phil's mum is Catherine and his dad is Robert. They're all very polite and happy. They invite Dan in with a hug and a chair at the table.

The conversation is almost immediately aimed at Dan. Questions about where he went to school, what his job at ASDA was like; all the usual 'get to know you' questions. Dan didn't give the most usual responses as he couldn't keep himself from the occasional sarcastic comment about work or how it made him want to spoon his own eyes out but Catherine laughed and Robert changed the subject to music.

The evening was pleasant and Dan found himself able to almost completely relax, especially with Phil sitting next to him through the whole dinner.

This whole thing with Phil felt so natural to Dan. He knew it shouldn't since Phil is his internet idol and four years older than him and they just met in real life less than a month ago but Dan can't help but feel like this is how it's supposed to be. This is where he belongs, next to Phil.

When Dan finishes helping with the dishes he goes up to Phil's room and finds it hard to keep himself from doing anything but kiss Phil now that they're alone, luckily Phil doesn't seem to mind.

Dan straddles Phil on the bed without a word. Phil places his hands on Dans lower back and leans up to kiss the boy.

It was their first proper snog and Phil had to remind himself that it shouldn't go farther than that the first time round. Dan was rotating his hips and holding either side of Phil's face and neck and every move Dan made was having an effect on Phil.

Phil kissed Dans cheek before moving the boys hips to the other side of the bed so he wasn't on top of him anymore.

"Did I do something wrong?" Dan asks, almost whispering the words.

"No! No you're lovely Dan it's just... this is our first snog and I'm having a hard time keeping it to just that." Phil explains, making himself keep eye contact with Dan.

"So I'm quite good at it then?" Dan asks as he winks.

They both laugh and talk about the smallest things, letting silence fall naturally after a few hours.

Dan has his back leaning against Phil's chest and they're holding hands, playing with each other's fingers.

This time last year Dan was probably in bed rewatching one of Phil's videos when he was supposed to be sleeping or doing homework and now Dan is not only in the same room as Phil but Dan was cuddling him and holding his hand and he's safe in a house away from his dad and everything isn't perfect but it's all ok now and it's more than ok because Phil is here holding him and Dan couldn't stop thinking about how much of a fucking miracle this all is.

"It's strange really," Dan thinks out loud, "this time last year I watched your videos and was content to not ever meet you, after all I was just another fan but now I'm... I'm here and... for once I'm so glad I am."

Phil was silent for a moment, soaking in Dans words until he responded softly, "I'm glad you're here too."

The rest of Dans visit goes smoothly, they film together and eat together and sleep in the same bed together until it's time for Dan to leave again.

"Did you even read my note?" Dans mum screamed at him as soon as she realized he was home.

"What note?" Dan asked, his eyes wide.

"Eugene told you to stay home to watch Adrian because he had to go on a trip to film and you knew I had my out of country business meeting this week! I had to fly home early because Adrian called me asking where you were! Do you know how unprofessional that was of me? Do you know how deeply that could effect my career? Our financial stability? Your dad might think he's the man of the house but he sure as hell isn't the one bringing in our money." Dans mum was red faced and tense.

"I'm so sorry mum I didn't see the note." Dan said, waiting for his mum to continue yelling but when she didn't he continued, "Did you call me? Because I didn't get any messages that you were mad or that I needed to get home."

"No." Dans mum mumbled the words like she was embarrassed.

"Well how come? I could've come home, I could've taken care of Adrian and kept you at the meeting you were supposed to-" Dan was utterly confused.

"Because! You were with your friend, Daniel. I wanted you to stay with your friend... I know you save up most of your money to go see him, I didn't want you to have wasted those £70 just because you didn't see a god damn note." Dans mum said quietly, not meeting Dans gaze.

"Since when has that mattered?" Dan couldn't help but let his sarcasm slip.

"Since you've been like," she motioned to Dans body, "this."

"This?" Dan laughed, pointing to his body.

"Yeah, since you've been eating real meals and smiling at your phone. This is important to you Daniel. I might not get 'mum of the year' but I can tell when my boy is happy... you deserve friends like this one Daniel." she curled her lips weakly, like she might have forgotten how to smile.

Dan didn't know what to say or if he should say anything at all but she'd just said more than Dan had heard from her in years, "Thanks mum."

Dan hugged his mum and felt her shake as she began to cry a for a few silent seconds. She collected herself quickly though and told Dan to unpack and come help make dinner.

The next two weeks were torture as Dan and Phil spent more time apart they realized how much Skype lacked. They couldn't hold each other or hear each other's voices, only horrible headphone versions of them. They were glad to see each others faces though, even if it was only a pixelated version.

Dan and Phil flirted over anything they could possibly make sexual in a conversation and cracked the same old stupid jokes. They talked about their days and how much they missed each other.

They couldn't wait to see each other and Phil was going to be damned if a snow storm was going to stop them from meeting up.

Phil drove Dan to his place, the whole time his hand on Dans thigh.

They got to Phil's house and it's all kisses and giggles and pushing each other.

Dan was against the wall and Phil kicked the front door closed with his foot and they've both got their hands on each other.

Phil found his brain starting to sizzle into a fuzzy existence when Dan pulls on Phil's front belt loops in order to keep him close, their hips attached and their lips only pulling apart to come back together again.

"We," Phil started but Dan was kissing him again, "We should," Phil swallowed, kissing Dan back, "We have to go to the light show Dan."

"Not if we don't want to." Dan replies, a little breathless as he placed his cold hands under Phil's shirt, on his hip bones.

Phil tried to keep his breathing regular as his pants tighten at the thought of Dan touching any lower on his body, "Dan seriously we can't do this right now, we have to leave in an hour."

"That's plenty of time." Dan mumbled, kissing Phil's neck.

"No," Phil stepped back, holding Dans hands in his own, "Not for our first time. An hour isn't long enough for the first time. It has to be perfect and this? This isn't how it's supposed to happen - not for us."

"You're such a romantic." Dan smiled his big sleepy smile that Phil is proud to know so well already.

Phil smiles softly at the brown doe eyed boy, "Before we go you need food." Phil says after a beat, leading Dan to the kitchen.

Phil was always so persistent that Dan doesn't eat enough; so when Dan was at Phil’s he'd actually eat three meals a day instead of his usual one meal and a snack plus a concerning amount of coffee on the bad days.

Dan got anxious about the amount of food he ate at Phil's but if that's the downside to being around Phil he'll take it.

At the light show Dan and Phil walk around the place hand in hand, sharing a caramel macchiato that they picked up on the way over.

The lights are gorgeous and the Christmas music is slow and something you'd hear your grandpa playing on his record player.

One of Phil's fans sees them and asks for a selfie, Phil agreed and smiled and thanked them but it's all a bit awkward and rushed.

Dan laughed at Phil for it once she left saying, "How often do you run into fans?"

"Not often but more than you'd think, why?" Phil asked innocently, tilting his head at Dan for laughing.

"It shows."

"Well, come to think of it there's this one fan I keep running into. I reckon he's got to be a stalker at this point I mean he's always coming over to my house and-" Phil teased.

"Oh shut up!" Dan pushed Phil's shoulder playfully, both of them laughing.

The night ended with a quiet ride to Phil's and sleepy cuddles.

The next day they watch wall-e together. They cry and Phil can't help but adore Dan's big brown eyes when they're filled with tears. Phil knows he's in far too deep when watching Dan chuckle even through tears makes Phil's entire being glow softly. They eat too much junk food and cuddle on the couch.

"-and this line means you're incredibly gorgeous." Phil said as he traced a wrinkle on Dan's palm, pretending to read it.

"Oh really?" Dan chuckled, having long given up the fight of telling Phil that palm readings were supposed to be about ones future rather than about their traits.

"This one," Phil pointed at a small line on the inside of Dan's thumb, "means you shouldn't doubt the palm reader."

"That reading sounded a tad bit passive aggressive." Dan teased.

"You know what this line means?" Phil asks, drawing on the longest line in Dan's hand.

"That I'm going to punch you if you say one more compliment?" Dan guessed.

"It means you're going to kiss a very strikingly handsome young gentleman that happens to be in the room with you." Phil met Dan's eyes, clearly playing coy.

"You don't have to ask for a kiss Phil." Dan rolled his eyes, smiling.

"Oh I didn't ask for anything!" Phil pleaded innocence, "It was all on the palm."

"Uh-huh" Dan mumbled, crawling into Phil's lap and kissing him quickly.

"Wow these palm readings are incredibly accurate." Phil whispered jokingly.

Dan chuckled, "No they aren't! The palm reading said I'd kiss a 'handsome gentleman' not a complete dork!"

Phil smiled, "Some of the details were hard to decipher, I hope you don't mind."

Dan shrugged, acting nonchalant before leaning back in to kiss Phil again.

The kiss lasted longer this time. Phil placed his hand on Dan's hip, guiding Dan to sit facing him rather than to the side.

Once Dan had one leg on each side of Phil's lap the kiss deepened. Both of them leaning into each other, their heartbeats quickening until Dan unintentionally grinded into Phil's crotch. Phil gasped trying to keep himself from a whiny sort of growl.

"Sorry" Dan muttered, going right back to kissing Phil, unaware of how easily he could make Phil go completely mad.

Phil pulled on Dan's shirt, asking him to remove the fabric. Dan obliged without a word, his hand pushing Phil to lay flat on the couch while he unbuttoned the collar shirt he was wearing.

"You're so incredibly hot right now Dan." Phil almost laughed at the thought of Dan ever thinking he wasn't enough.

Dan blushed slightly, embarrassed.

"Kiss me." Dan demanded shyly.

Phil sat up without question, meeting Dans lips and then trailing down his neck with passion.

When Phil got near the bottom of Dan's neck he sucked a little harder than he had been doing so far, making Dan moan in surprise and enjoyment.

"Phil," Dan sounded like he was having a hard time catching his breath, "Phil please move your hands. I want more."

Phil moved his hands from Dan's back to one placed on his shoulder blade and the other on his stomach.

He kept kissing the younger boy down his chest, eventually pushing him onto his back so Phil could continue to kiss lower. Dan was gasping each time Phil moved his hands, his fists tight in grasping at the couch cushions.

Phil looked up at Dan who had his eyes closed.

"Phil, please don't stop." Dan opened his eyes to find Phil watching him, "Sorry should I not talk? While you're... you know."

Phil shook his head, "Dan havig you like that is one of the hottest things I've ever seen," Dan blushed, "but we never got around to properly talking about this."

"About what - sex?" Dan's eyes looked away.

Phil nodded.

"Well I want to." Dan put simply.

"Right and I want to too." Phil said.

"It's not like I'm a virgin, what's the problem?" Dan asked, looking back at Phil.

"There's no problem I just want to make sure you know there's never an expectation from me. We could date for years and I wouldn't feel cheated if we never did anything, you don't owe me this. Of course I want to but if you aren't ready or if you're uncomfortable for any reason you don't have to explain it to me it's ok for us to not - " Phil started.

"Phil, I want to." Dan reassured, amused at Phil's persistence  

"Even if we do and part way through you change your mind I'll stop, no questions asked. Sex can be a scary big thing and if you aren't ready or if it's too soon I don't want you to think I need you to be ready because-" Phil continued.

"Phil," Dan smiled, "I'm ready."

"-because all I need is you here with me."

Dan stared at Phil in shock.

_Phil needs me._

Dan wanted this more than ever before, "Please fuck me."

Phil didn't question Dan on that.

Phil led Dan to his bedroom, not bothering to close the door as he kissed his boyfriend all over. Their hands were everywhere, lips locked and clothes being tugged at and torn off.

"If-" Phil said before kissing Dan's neck again, "-at any point-" Dan moaned, "-you want to stop just-" Dan gasped as Phil grabbed hold of each side of Dan's hips, "-tell me."

"Phil you're not very good at dirty talk." Dan tried to joke but Phil grabbed his ass and led him to the bed.

"I won't bring it up again, I just want to make sure you're ok." Phil said, making sure to look Dan in the eyes.

Dan couldn't stop from grinding his hips up as he replied, "Jesus Phil why would you stop?" Dan looked wrecked with his hair a pulled mess and only his boxer briefs on, "Please, I swear to god I want this - I want _you_ \- and I want it now."

"Have I told you that you are the most gorgeous person I've ever seen?" Phil asked, unable to keep his eyes off of Dan.

"Have I told you that you talk too much?" Dan said to keep himself from blushing.

Phil chuckled deeply before continuing where they had left off.

The next day is slow and calm and full of lopsided smiles meant only for each other as they film a Christmas Adventure video for Phil's channel.

That night it snowed before they could get back to the car to head home to Phil's and Dan insists that they should lay in the snow.

"You're going to get a cold!" Phil says, watching as Dan laid down on the snow.

"I don't care if I die from hypothermia this is amazing; I'm going to watch it snow for a few minutes." Dan says, closing his eyes.

"You aren't watching it snow if your eyes are closed." Phil said with a find smile, laying down next to the boy.

"Shut up and let me enjoy it." Dan chuckled, putting his hand in Phil's.

Dans hand feels perfect in his own, their fingers fit in between each other well and Dans hand is warm in Phil's.

Phil breathes in the cold air and watches as the hot breath leaves him, circling in the snowy air.

The stars are out tonight and Phil looked over at Dan to see if he noticed, he had.

Dan was staring up at the stars and when he felt Phil's eyes on him he turned to face him.

"My mum used to take me stargazing." Dan almost whispered, like if he spoke too loudly an imposter would hear.

Dan already didn't know where he was going with this.

_Why am I bringing up mum?_

"She doesn't anymore?" Phil asked slowly, knowing that Dan didn't like to bring up his family often.

Dan shook his head no and looked back up at the stars to point out a few constellations.

"Did your mum show you those?" Phil asked.

"No she could never find the constellations but she'd tell me all the myths about the monsters and heroes that lived up there. I learned to find the constellations myself so I would know which stars we were talking about." Dan explained calmly, his voice even and soothing.

Phil stayed quiet, hoping Dan will continue. After a few minutes the patience and silence paid off.

"I thought it was quite nice, you know? I always wished the earth worked the way my mums stories did. The monsters always got beat; the hero always win; the monsters always die and the gods always help the humans who try their best." Dan was completely in his memories by now, just reciting back the genetics of what his mind could recall so clearly  

Phil squeezed Dans hand in response, his heart aching for the younger boy.

"My mum always told me that the only thing above us was space and planets and nebulas and stars and that the rest of the things people said were up there were just stories. She told me people looked up to the sky and saw possibilities and that used to always make me feel like anything could happen but now it makes me feel trapped." Dan didn't know why he was telling Phil all of this but he couldn't stop now, "I don't really know why, it's just, I feel like no matter what I do I'm going to end up back where I was."

"Where were you?"

"I'm not sure... I'm glad I'm here though." Dan turned his eyes to meet Phil's.

Phil's eyes are so bright, even at night Dan could see the light blue hue of his irises and the little flecks of yellow and green. There was a thin coat of snow on top of both of their clothes now and Dan was beginning to feel a bit cold.

Dan was just staring at Phil, grounding himself in this place with Phil and reminding himself over and over that everything was ok now.

Phil was trying to memorize everything about this moment, from the dead silence that came from the lack of wind to Dans warm brown eyes. Their hands still holding each other and their heartbeats falling in rhythm together.

Phil could feel his heart swell and then it was beating, demanding his attention with its pulsating rhythm. Phil felt like he had finally woken up from a foggy dream, like he's been walking through a cloud and is just now seeing the outline of things clearly.

_I am here and so is he._

Phil is here and he is next to Dan and Dan is breathing and there is nothing more Phil wants right now than to stay like this for a while longer. The rest of the world is forgotten and it's just his eyes and Dans, their heartbeats, their breaths, their hands.

Phil is trying to understand what this is - this profound statement of hereness that Dan has somehow made him realize. Phil has never felt this - this huge notion of being alive and Phil thinks he was probably supposed to feel it a long time ago but he's just glad he's feeling it for the first time with Dan next to him. He wouldn't want anyone else there in his place.

It's amazing how quickly Dan had managed to become so important to Phil and yet Phil can't find a word for it.

There was the sound of Dans soft breathing and Phil was thinking there could never be a moment more sweet than this. Nothing could ever compare to this feeling of adoration and safety. Nothing could ever begin to compete with this sense of belonging and contentment. Nothing could ever be as vivid as this momentum of Phil realizing this is home.

_This is home._

The thought echoed in Phil's brain, quickly followed by, _I love him._ at the sight of Dan sighing.

Nothing changes; everything changes.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: ok so biweekly updates is the schedule i'm going to try and keep to. btw i'm from the US so if any of the things i write are incorrect please feel free to correct me! thanks for reading :)

_This is home._

The thought echoed in Phil's brain, quickly followed by, _I love him._  at the sight of Dan sighing.

Nothing changes; everything changes.

•••

"You're such a sap." Dan mumbles, blushing and keeping his soft gaze on Phil, "So what kept you from telling me you loved me until like a whole three months later?"

"A lot of things!" Phil defends.

"Like what?" Dan rolls his eyes, Phil looks speechless.

"What do you mean 'like what'?!" Phil searches Dan's face in shock, "Why do you think I wouldn't share that?"

Dan shrugged, looking confused.

"If I had told you sooner about how I felt you would have freaked out! We had only been talking for six months and had known each other for only two months! You were a lot younger than me too! You might have not been ready for love! Plus you had just gotten out of a long relationship and I didn't know how you felt at the time! You could have still been in love with her! I figured I was probably your rebound! And on top of that I had offered to help you edit your videos! I didn't want you to think that my help was conditional! You're a great YoutTuber Dan and I wasn't going to ness up my chance at helping out the best YouTube creator I'd ever met just because I fancied you a little more than I should have that far along!"

Dan is chuckling at how high Phil has raised his eyebrows through the rant and how his cheeks look pink in the rush of it, "But I fancied you more than I should have that far along too you dingus!"

"Well why didn't you tell me sooner then?" Phil softened again, returning to a less excited state.

Dan asks, "I was scared Phil, isn't that the real reason you didn't tell me for so long?"

•••

Feb 13th 2010:

People always say there's a million reasons to not do something and Phil agreed; or at least he had agreed for the past two and a half months.

Phil had told himself that he hadn't told Dan that he was falling in love with him for loads of reasons. For one they had only been dating for four months and hadn't even talked about labels like boyfriend yet.

Then there was the complications it would cause; telling someone you love them makes things more intense and intense things are hard to hide. Dan's parents don't know about them, and from what Dan has told Phil they wouldn't exactly approve.

The initial reasons of not telling Dan were still there. Things like wondering if he was the rebound from Dan's last relationship, or if Dan just simply didn't see this as a serious relationship. But those reasons had faded as time went on; Phil knew the only thing really keeping him from telling Dan how he felt was himself.

Yes there was a million reasons and one to not do this but Phil knew he was making up excuses; could get past all that if he wasn't so scared that his feelings would somehow make him lose Dan like it had lost him Charlie - not that he was comparing the two.

Dan and Charlie were very different. Charlie was unreliable, a liar, passive aggressive, uncommunicative, and possessive.

Dan was always there when Phil needed him, honest beyond his own good, straight forward and caring; and maybe a bit of a jealous type but never out of entitlement or anger.

Dan was good for Phil - that was the big difference.

Dan had finally fallen asleep about ten minutes ago on Skype. Phil was at home, a few of the birthday gifts Dan had gotten for him were scattered around his room and Phil couldn't help watching Dan sleep for a few more minutes. God he missed that boy.

They hadn't seen each other in almost two weeks, yet it felt like several years. Dan had gone from being in a lawyer intern program and then straight to India with his family.

Phil was of course very proud of Dan. He was doing what he wanted even if he sometimes didn't want to put in all the effort he needed to to get it done. Phil was always there encouraging him, saying that for any decent job Dan would have to pay his dues. Dan would usually just huff and nod his head.

That being said, Phil missed Dan more than he had missed anyone else before. There was this weird sort of heavy gnawing feeling in his stomach every time he thought of Dan being so far away.

"Goodnight Bear." Phil whispered before closing out of Skype.

Phil wanted to lye on the floor he was so upset that Dan wouldn't be here for Valentine's Day. They had agreed that the first Valentines they celebrate together should be in person so they had decided to not do anything special for the day. Phil just wished Dan was here so he could give him flowers and chocolate and maybe a few kisses... maybe a bit more than that; but Dan wasn't here and he wouldn't be back until the 20th.

 _Six days_ ; less than a week and yet Phil was convinced he would die if he didn't tell Dan how he felt soon. By the time Dan came home it would be three months since he realised he was falling in love with Dan and he hadn't even brought up anything more serious than a 'miss you!' and Phil was pretty sure Dan was catching on to the awkward rephrasings and constant light topics; or at least Dan would catch on if he wasn't so busy worrying about law.

_I should be honest._

Phil sighed, walking to the bathroom to wash his face or at least splash some water on his tired skin.

_No. I could lose Dan. No amount of honesty is worth losing Dan over. He's the best thing in my life and I can't lose him._

Phil took a deep breath, exhausted of the back and forth dialogue his brain had been on for almost a month.

Dan had come over for Christmas Eve and Phil had almost let it slip then when he saw that Dan had gotten them Muse tickets. But he had thought that it would be horrible to always remember Christmas Eve as the day Dan Howell rejected him.

_It doesn't feel right - not telling Dan something this big._

Phil let out a strained sigh, walking back to the lounge to lay his back down onto the couch.

_If an old lady so much as swears on the bus I tell Dan. He hears about everything that happens to me, he knows little things like the fact that I hate coffee unless it's unbearably sweet and he knows about that time I accidentally dropped a coin down a lady's shirt, and he knows big things like how my best friend died a couple of years ago and he knows about how my mum was the best super hero in my eyes growing up. Dan knows me and if he likes me half as much as he acts like he does then I can tell him this. I can trust him to not flake on me like Charlie did. Whether Dan feels the same way or not is something that I'll never find out if I don't just tell him how I feel._

Phil looked up at the ceiling searching for an answer he knew he wouldn't get.

_This is pathetic._

He knew he needed to tell Dan before he lost his guts.

_What are my options?_

Well he could call Dan but he was asleep and Phil didn't know what to say.

That's it - there has to be a way to say this all the right way. And it has to be in a way that Dan can see from India. A letter will take too long. A text is lame...

_What about a video?_

•••

"After you grew a pair and told me how you felt the rest of the year was calm really." Dan said, looking at Phil for him to continue.

"We went to Jamaica and then Dan started at University!" Phil said, sounding more excited by the memory than he was.

"You shouldn't sound that excited!" Dan protested.

"You got into Manchester University unconditionally Dan! That's very exciting!" Phil countered.

"Yeah but it was also what caused my first existential crisis." Dan said, more at the camera than at Phil.

Phil changed the subject, "You practically lived at my flat that year."

"That was the good part of it." Dan agreed.

•••

May 1st 2010:

danisnotonfire: can you get on skype

AmazingPhil: you sound eager ;)

danisnotonfire: not like that unfortunately

AmazingPhil: bear is everything ok?

danisnotonfire: yeah actually everything is really good

danisnotonfire: well actually it is but it's also not

danisnotonfire: just get on skype pls

Four minutes later Phil was on Skype, his worried brows knit in curiosity and confusion.

"So I've got good news and bad news..." Dan said in lieu of hello.

"Is everything ok?" Phil asked, his heart racing.

"Yeah! Everything's great actually it's just..." Dan got himself to look into the red dot above the computer screen, making sure to avoid Phil's eyes on his own screen.

Dan wanted to see Phil be happy about this but he couldn't let himself be happy right now. When Phil was happy Dan was happy and Dan was about to be drained of anything he had, the less he felt the less he could be hurt. Rising hope was easy to feel around Phil and hopelessness even easier around his mum.

"Phil, I got in."

"Got in? To a University?" Phil inquired.

Dan nodded, not able to keep himself from examining Phil's face quickly. Dan felt a pang at Phil being so far away. Phil was so handsome even in this shit-quality pixelated form and Dan hated, absolutely despised that he couldn't be next to him right now; Phil was already next to Dan in any other possible way. Distance was a bitch.

"Well that's great! Which one?" Phil sounded unsurprised but genuinely happy for him.

"Manchester." Dan replied, trying to sound flat and plain about it but watching Phil for even the last few moments had his heart just touching the outskirts of down right giddy.

"That's even better! You'll be near by! No more stupid Skype calls!" Phil replied, "So what's the bad news?"

"Bad news is I have to tell my parents." Dan sighed, the excitement fading faster than it came.

"They'll be happy for you! Manchester University is a lovely school for law!" Phil replied, still confused.

"No." Dan shook his head, the panic rising at the thought of how his dad would react; happy to have his dad out of town for the week.

"No?" Phil's voice was soft, uncertain.

Phil didn't know much of Dan's parents. The two talked about everything but Dan's parents. The few times Dan had brought up his parents it was brief and only out of necessity. 

Dan shook his head, swearing at the few tears that fell down his cheek, "No; I know them. I know them and I know how they'll react. They're not going to see the school I've gotten into or the scholarship I've received or even that I'm doing law to make my mum proud. All they'll see is me moving closer to you. All they'll see is me shitting all over _their_  'values'. All he'll see is disrespect." Dan spat the words out like poison.

Phil could feel his stomach sink, his heart cracking open at the sight of Dan so deeply distressed, he just wanted to hug the boy. Phil didn't know what to say, he wanted to be optimistic and say Dan was silly to think his parents could be anything but proud about their kid getting into a University. He wanted to tell Dan that maybe his father would surprise him. He wanted to tell Dan in honesty that things with his parents would be alright; but just as Dan knew his parents Phil knew Dan and Dan was never one to easily love or hate others. Dan observed people keenly, could understand the dynamic of a whole room of people within minutes. Phil wasn't daft enough to think Dan had the wrong idea of what his parents reactions would be.

"Are you happy you got in?" Phil asked.

Dan looked like he had just been pulled out of his thoughts, untangling himself from the emotions, "I'm happy that I'll be close to you."

"Yeah Dan, I'm happy about that too." Phil softly smiled, "But are you happy that you got in?"

Dan pushed one hand through his hair, standing up to avoid the question, "I'm going to tell my mum, pull it off like a bandaid. Be here when I get back?"

Phil nodded a beat later.

"Mum?" Dan almost whispered, slowly approaching her.

"Daniel! Dinner will be done in ten, could you get Adrian from his room for me?" She looked stressed as usual but put together, like having dad gone was therapeutic.

"Um," Dan cleared his throat, "actually I wanted to tell you that I got in."

"Got in?" She asked, oblivious.

"Unconditionally." Dan explained, feeling slightly frozen with anxiety and even a little almost unnoticeable glimmer of hope that maybe - just maybe - his mum wouldn't ruin this for him more than his anxiety of her reaction already has.

Dan's mum stopped what she was doing, turning to her son, "Law School?"

Dan nodded, smiling back at his mums wide grin.

"My boy!" she patted Dan's shoulder, not knowing what to do with her arms, "My boy got into Law School!"

Dan smiled at her awkward attempt at a hug, she never was one to show physical affection.

"My baby boy got into Law School Unconditionally!" She was beaming, "Which one then Daniel?"

Dan tried to keep the smile on his face from dropping, his stomach plummeting.

"Manchester."

Dan's mum didn't reply and Dan didn't bother watching her face, knowing the expressions of shock, disappointment, and frustration she would be cycling through.

"Manchester..." her face paled, her composure suddenly stilted before she took a quick intake of breath and gathered her thoughts, "right."

"It's a really good school mum." Dan tried weakly.

"Yeah, yeah I know it is..." she kept her eyes from meeting Dan's.

"I can live in a dorm and on weekends I - " Dan tried sounding more optimistic than he was, tried to keep the subject from Phil.

"Is it because of him?" she asked, her eyes finally meeting Dan's brown eyes.

Dan expected to find anger or disappointment but all he saw from her was worry and confusion.

"Him?... Phil?" Dan tried playing daft, hoping to sound casual.

With more than a hint of frustration she replied, "Who else?"

"Why can't you just be happy for me?" Dan felt defeated but sounded defensive.

"Why do you have to study in Manchester?" Dan's mum practically shouted.

"I didn't make them accept me, mum. I applied to several good Law Schools and Manchester accepted me Unconditionally." Dan tried to keep himself from yelling back.

_I will not stoop so low as to be on her level._

"Was Manchester the only University to accept you Unconditionally?" His mum asked, her heated demeanor becoming calculated.

Dan sighed, knowing he couldn't hide this, "No."

"And you didn't even consider going there." she sounded bitter, almost uncaring.

It's easy to believe it too; easy to assume Dan's mum simply hated Dan. For feeling the way he refused to admit to, or for always doing what he was told to but never in the way he was expected to, or even for all the lies that were only told out of fear of rejection - not only concerning his sexuality. Dan tried to tell himself his mum hated him - it was easier that way. Hate is simple, clean, understandable even when undeserved. But what Dan's mum felt wasn't hate - no it was far too complex and gray to ever be dumbed down to one word.

Dan's mum was a fiercely independent woman and expected the same from Dan. Dan might have his mums brown eyes and her biting humor but he was nothing like her. She was calculated, scheduled; Dan was emotional, impulsive. She thought Dan's best choice of school would be Oxford or Cambridge. She figured a decision like school should be based solely on academic opportunity but Dan didn't see it like that. Dan needed to feel loved and supported while at school, and who better than Phil? Dan had a hard enough time getting motivated for school, at least now Phil could keep him accountable with more than just a glare from 300 kilometres away over Skype.

"What is there to consider?" Dan spat back, wishing his mum could just be happy for him, completely flummoxed at how she managed to make a good thing like Dan going to law school near a supportive friend sound like a bad thing.

"Your future! Daniel you're basing a _huge_  life decision on some boy you met a few months ago! On some perverted crush!" She yelled, losing her composure and flailing her arms.

"I can't believe you! Perverted? Are you even hearing yourself! Since when did you and dad become so buddy buddy on this? I cannot believe you!" Dan paced, feeling a heat rise in his chest that she could think so lowly of his feelings for Phil.

She was taking the most beautiful friend he had and reducing it to a twisted meaningless obsession. Dan can almost hear her thoughts, can hear her chiding that Dan could grow up to become such a disappointment. He could feel her eyes looking down at him even though she was a whole thirty centimetres shorter. His brain was absolutely buzzing with the knowledge of what she must think of him. He could imagine that she somehow thought that this lack of support might actually push Dan down the correct path, could 'fix' him; and then he's sick. The room is spinning and the only sensation keeping him grounded is the roots in his chest cementing at the memory of what his mum had told him only a few months ago.

"I thought you said I deserved friends like Phil!" Dan yelled back.

"Not friends that pressure you to go to a school just so you'll be near them!" She retorted, rolling her eyes with enmity.

Dan felt like the air had been ripped from his lungs, he couldn't believe what his mum was saying, "Phil didn't pressure me! If you think so highly of my intelligence and capability to go to Cambridge then maybe it's not so crazy to think that I can make a decision like what school is best for me by myself!"

"Of course you're intelligent Dan! That's why I don't want a momentary lapse of judgement to keep you from bigger better things!" She seems to think she can reason with Dan, as if any of this is bloody anywhere close to sane.

"Stop patronising me! It's my choice!" Dan spread his arms out, gesturing to every choice he could ever make.

Dan is sick, utterly _sick_ of not being heard, "What school I go to, what career I pursue, where I live, how I live, who I live with, who I love; all of it mum!" Dan lowered his arms, his voice raising, "My life is mine to make of it so stop trying to control me! You told Dad all you lot could hope for was for me to tell you things since I'm more than capable of doing what I want without your permission. So here I am! I'm telling you! So fucking stop raining on my god damn parade! You want me to have opportunities? What about the opportunity happiness? You know I couldn't even let myself feel happy about being accepted into Manchester because I immediately realised I'd have to tell _you_? Shouldn't I be fucking excited to share that with you?"

Dan waited for a response as he tried to cool down but when she said nothing Dan returned to pacing, running one hand over his face from exhaustion and worrying if he should have said what he did about being allowed to love whoever he did.

"I'm not asking for you to pay for my University. I just wanted to tell you before I move out. My dorm room should be available to move into in late August."

Dan left the room, taking the steps two at a time and closing his door to his brown room slowly, listening to the click of the doorknob and praying his brother didn't hear the fight.

"Dan?" Dan had almost forgotten that Phil said he'd be waiting on Skype for Dan to get back.

"Yeah." Dan sat in front of his computer, running a nervous hand through his fringe.

"I heard yelling but I couldn't make out what you said. Want to talk about it?" Phil asked gently.

Dan shook his head no.

They sat in silence, both of them wishing they could hold each other. Once Dan was nearing sleep he said the only words he could, the only words that can even lamely begin to explain to Phil how much just his presence was appreciated.

"Thank you."

July 10th 2010:

"So we're really going then?" Dan asked, his brown eyes warm with excitement.

"Yeah the camera company is providing you with a camera and a plane ride. I told them we could share a hotel room, they didn't ask any questions." Phil replied, having just gotten the email reply from the camera company sponsoring their trip to Jamaica.

"So when's the flight?" Dan asked, smiling at Phil through skype.

"In two days at 3:40am" Phil replied, waiting for Dan to complain at how early they'd have to wake up for that.

"Great! So I'll come over the night before and we'll stay up and go to the airport together!" Dan didn't bother trying to sound uninterested, he was so beyond acting like he didn't care when it came to Phil.

This was going to be their first holiday together.

The day of the flight went smoothly. The stayed up together in silence in each other's arms, smiling and warm, excited about the adventure they were about to go on but mostly just happy to know they'd have a whole week with each other.

At the airport the air was crisp and the plane had no delays. Even after having not slept for the night Phil couldn't sleep on the plane but was happy to have Dan resting his head on his shoulder.

Once landed all Phil wanted was sleep.

"No Phil! We're in Jamaica we aren't wasting our time sleeping! You need sugar! You need caffeine! That's what you need! You need energy! Starbucks! Where's a Starbucks? Do they have Starbucks in Jamaica? I'm actually going to die if they don't have Starbucks here. Well not because I like Starbucks - a bit corporate - but you Lester Sir adore their peasant coffee and if you don't manage to get that jet-lag taken care of today I'll be stuck with a bunch of strangers - " Dan kept talking, mostly to himself as Phil couldn't stay awake enough to process Dan's words.

"Coffee." Phil interrupted, having a hard time with full sentences.

"Right! First we need a cab!" Dan lead Phil through the airport and to a cab.

"Can you take us to this hotel?" Dan asked, handing the cabbie a slip of paper with the address and name.

The cabbie nodded and off they went.

The air was different in Jamaica, more humid. The sun was out and Phil could already feel his skin warming up to the sun through the window of the car door.

Phil figured the sun would feel nice if it wasn't for the inevitable sunburn he'd get from it. Phil was still half awake, his eyebrows furrowed in complaint as he turned to look at Dan so he could whine about how tired he was and how hot the car was but Dan was looking outside the car window, his eyes up to the clouds and neck stretched as he turned his head to look at the passing buildings. Suddenly complaining seemed like an awfully daft thing to do. Almost sensing Phil's eyes on him, Dan put his hand in Phil's without a word.

Luckily the hotel had coffee and enough sugar packets to make the horrible taste manageable.

The day was spent with Phil barely awake and Dan standing with his feet in the beach water. Phil had encouraged him to go farther in but Dan would only shake his head no and smile.

At dinner the boys met the fellow YouTubers who had been offered the same sponsorship to Jamaica. Dan couldn't get himself to remember half their names. The men at the table seemed sporty and loud, and the women sparse.

"Why do fancy places always have such small food portions?" the girl next to Dan whispered in a Russian accent.

"Trying to starve us so we look like the rest of the rich people in this posh hotel." Dan mumbled back.

The women snorted her laugh, trying to keep herself from spitting out her drink.

"Everything ok?" Phil asked Dan, looking around the table to find all eyes had moved to the brunette girl half laughing half choking.

"You alright?" Dan chuckled, patting the girls back gently.

The girl swallowed, red faced with an embarrassed smile and coughing, "Yeah sorry, yeah."

"I'm Dan by the way." Dan smiled kindly, relating to the awkward sensation in her stomach she must be feeling right about then.

"Olga." she replied.

"Sorry for making you choke Olga." Dan half grinned at the girl.

"No problem, just glad to have met someone with a sense of humour on this trip." she teased, skirting her eyes at the rest of the people at the table.

"Yeah not sure what's up the rest of their asses." Dan said under his breath.

"Definitely not a dick or they might be happy about it." Olga replied flatly, making Dan chuckle.

"With a mouth like that how have I not found your YouTube channel?" Dan asked, spearing the last of his meal onto his fork.

"My main channel is a beauty channel, I'm guessing you're not that interested in makeup?" Olga asked.

"I respect the skill it takes but the only makeup I've worn was for theatre." Dan replied easily.

"Theatre boy then! So I'm assuming you make short films?" Olga asked, sipping on her drink.

"More like silly skits and collabs with friends." Dan clarified, unable to keep his eyes from checking on Phil who was making light conversation with the boy across from them.

"So are you guys a duo?" she asked, having noticed Dan looking to Phil.

"I think our subs would call us that. I don't collaborate with anyone else really." Dan nudged Phil with his elbow, "This is Phil, he's the one who got me signed up with this gig." Dan explained, leaning back in his chair so Olga could see Phil next to him.

"So a friend with connections, huh?" she asked politely.

"Sorry Dan made you choke a minute ago he almost made me choke the first time too." Phil replied, unabashed and blunt.

"Phil!" Dan laughed, blushing and trying to play it off as a joke; and in a way it was since Dan had come to know that Phil really didn't have a gag reflex when it came to certain situations.

"So friends with benefits, huh?" she joked right back, luckily not one to be a prude.

Phil always had this sort of sixth sense when it came to telling peoples comfort levels with inappropriate jokes and he was right again, Olga enjoyed the innuendos and visibly relaxed when she realised Phil did too.

The rest of the night was filled with inappropriate jokes and far too loud laughter. Olga getting along famously with the boys, giggling far too much to reply with more than a witty come back before bursting into a fit of laughter each time.

The next days were filled with collaborative filming for various channels and far too much vlogging for either of their comfort. Did these peoples viewers actually care which cereal they had chosen for breakfast? It was annoying to say the least.

Olga ate next to the boys for most of the meals but during the last few days everyone became busy trying to film the last few things they needed.

The flight home was full of sleepy people and a single crying baby that kept everyone up. Miserable and exhausted, Dan crashed with Phil once they got back to Manchester. No cuddling, no goodnight kisses, just collapsing and snoring.

A week later Dan's dorm became available to move into

"That's the last of it!" Phil announced, dropping the last box on Dan's dorm room bed.

"You really didn't have to help." Dan said, putting a pile of clothes into the one drawer they provided in the dorms.

"Course I did!" Phil smiled, "I've got to see my boyfriend off to University!"

Dan blushed, still not used to Phil using the term so loosely even though they had been more verbal about their relationship since February.

Phil stepped closer to Dan, putting a his hand in the shorter boy's, "How're you feeling?"

Dan shrugged, faking a brave smile for Phil. His parents hadn't showed, as usual. Dan told his mum a few days ago that today was move in day and she said she'd be there - of course a last minute meeting came up. Dan hadn't even bothered to ask his dad to show, not that he wanted him here.

Phil watched Dan's face drift from an obviously faked smile to sighing with a sort of grief.

"Here." Phil seemed to read Dan's mind, it wasn't hard to when he had overheard the messages he left for his mums phone the past few days.

Dan sat down on the horribly thin bed and looked up to find Phil with his video camera out, the recording light on.

"This, ladies and gentleman is the man you will all come to know as the best lawyer in the world!" Phil announced while zooming in on Dan's smiling face.

Dan had bags under his brown eyes and blushing cheeks. Phil didn't know how but everyday he swore that boy got more gorgeous.

"That's what you reckon, is it?" Dan chuckled.

"It's what I know!" Phil said, looking at Dan through the screen as the boy's looks softened, "You're going to be fantastic bear."

Dan smiled past the camera to Phil before blushing and pushing his gaze to his hands in his lap.

"Sorry did I interrupt you two?" a blonde haired nerdy looking boy asked, closing the door behind him with a box in his other hand.

Dan's eyes widened realising what this looked like. Phil was filming Dan who was on the bed.

"Oh! I was just helping Dan unpack!" Phil turned around and turned the camera off, "You must be his roommate, Andy right?" Phil took a half step and stuck his hand out for the shorter boy to shake

Instead Andy just looked at Dan and then nodded towards Phil.

"We saw your name on the room assignment sheet downstairs." Phil tried to explain, hoping the boy was only looking at them through his glasses like that due to confusion of how they knew his name.

Andy ignored Phil's comment, "You lot must be good friends."

"We are." Dan and Phil said in unison.

The room was silent for a moment before Andy put his box down on the other bed, "Right."

Dan looked to Phil as Andys back was turned, silently pleading to leave. Phil shrugged, seeming to not know what to do.

"Phil was telling me about a cafe near here; I think we're going to head out Andy." Dan said, standing up and grabbing his wallet off the nightstand.

"Alright. You mind if I set up my record player here?" Andy asked, pointing to his own nightstand.

"Your side of the room, go crazy!" Dan chuckled, shoving his keys deep into his pocket.

After they got out of the building and a few blocks away they held hands again.

"Cafe?" Phil asked, smirking in amusement.

"Why not?" Dan asked.

"You met your dorm mate less than ten minutes ago and you don't mind lying to him?" Phil asked, scoffing.

"Well wouldn't it be worse if I had known him for years and lied? I reckon I owe him nothing yet, it's not like I know him." Dan replied, shrugging.

"Honesty has to be earned then?" Phil asked, walking Dan to a place he found last week.

Dan shrugged again, "Not in general but when it comes to hurting someone's feelings there's no need to tell him 'me and Phil are feeling awkward we're going to go walk around aimlessly until we feel like it's been a plausible amount of time to come back'."

Phil smiled down at his shoes as he listened to Dan explaining his opinions, he always did. Dan was so well thought out, intelligent and articulate in his explanations of those ideas in his brilliant and underrated brain.

"Right; except we are going somewhere."

"Oh? Where to then?" Dan asked, never aware of how adored he truly is.

"ShakeAway, found it last week. they've got this one shake that's like a liquified version of a dietary specialists nightmare; you'll love it."

Dan laughed.

•••

"But really other than us practically living together nothing interesting happened." Phil said.

"Well I mean I got sick and almost died and I also got drunk a lot before exams - by the way not a good idea I don't recommend it" Dan said to the camera.

Phil smiled, remembering all the nights Dan had called him, totally plastered. Some of those nights were fun. Dan was usually a silly and admittedly slightly sexual drunk which made the first part fun and the second a little hard, no pun intended.

"Right but after that I mean nothing interesting happened." Phil continued.

"Yeah, we led a boring life until I quit law really." Dan concurred.

•••

November 10th, 2010:

Phil 10:43am: hey ^u^ let me know when you get out class! I finally bought Skyrim - thought you might want to come over and play it with me

Phil 11:56am: you didn't miss class did you

Phil 1:12pm: Dan

Phil 1:15pm: Daniel

Phil 1:16pm: seriously what's happened to you

Phil 1:17pm: did the aliens finally come abduct you like you've been asking

Phil 1:23pm: respond.

Phil 1:25pm: it can't be that hard to reply.

Phil 2:37pm: i'm coming to your dorm

Phil got Dans dorm fifteen minutes later and found him in the bathroom throwing up into the toilet.

"Dan what happened?" Phil asked softly, assuming it must have been another party and far too many drinks.

Dan had been drinking a lot. There were so many exams and so much pressure on him. Dan never spoke to his parents but the few times his mum called it was about school. Dan didn't tell Phil any of it, there was no need to - they spent so much time together that Phil ended up hearing most of the phone calls.

Dan's mum always asked Dan two things.

1) Are you keeping your grades up?

2) Is Phil still living in Manchester?

Dan always said yes to both, never going into detail.

In response she always told Dan two things.

1\. I'm proud of you.

2\. Adrian misses you.

In most cases Phil would be begging for Dan to not drink so much but Phil knew it was kind of the only coping mechanisms for first years in University - Phil had been there even if it had been much less intense. Phil couldn't blame Dan - he was miserable at school and his mums weekly calls were just the cherry on top.

"Nothing." Dan croaked, his throat dry with how much his stomach had rejected and now there wasn't anything but stomach acid left to puke, "How did you know to come here?"

"You weren't replying to my texts, I was worried." Phil replied quickly, wanting to get the question out of the way.

"Dan," Phil started but then Dan was heaving over the toilet, his whole body trembling with the effort.

His face looked green and pale at the same time, his lips chapped and hands shaking.

Phil hated seeing Dan like this - so obviously hungover and just plain sad. Phil carded his fingers through Dans hair without thinking, the movement was a reflex, an attempt to comfort his boyfriend when he couldn't do anything to make the boy feel better.

"Dan, how many drinks did you have?" Phil was seriously worried, Dan had been a bit of a partier recently but never this bad.

Dan was a silly sexual drunk. The type to flirt unabashed and then immediately afterwards accidentally break a grandfathers clock, the whole time slurring an apology and saying he would fix it.

Dan was a fun drunk to be around but always had a wicked hangover the next day even if he hadn't had much to drink. But this? This had never happened - this was scary. Dan was the whiny lazy hungover type not a green faced shaking hungover type.

"I didn't drink anything." Dan said, nearing a gag.

"Right." Phil replied, keeping himself from rolling his eyes.

"Phil I've literally been throwing up all day. I've missed my classes, I've barely eaten, and walking makes me dizzy. I think I've got a stomach bug or something I swear I'm not drunk or hungover or anything!" Dan replied, watching Phil's face, "Seriously smell my breath there's no alcohol on my breath."

"I don't really want to smell your breath Dan; you said you've been throwing up all day." Phil smiled a little at Dan's persistence.

Dan smiled back a little and then gagged again, spitting out the taste in his mouth into the toilet.

"Hey, hey you're ok." Phil reassured, rubbing Dan's back.

Phil knew how to cure a hangover - or at least knew how to lessen the headache - but a stomach bug?

"I feel like shit." Dan said numbly, recoiling when he tasted the food bits stuck on his tongue.

_I can't fix this. Who can fix this?_

"Where's your phone?" Phil asked, standing up.

"Night stand." Dan replied, a bit confused but not bothering to follow Phil.

"Keys?" Phil yelled from the room, shoving Dan's phone in his back pocket.

"Small drawer!" Dan yelled back, retching violently.

Phil walked back to the bathroom after collecting Dan's keys.

"Seriously, I'm fine." Dan whined, Phil pulling on Dan for him to stand up.

"Come on Dan, up." Phil placed his shoulder under Dan's, propping him up and moving him to the door.

"Where are we going?" Dan complained, "I just want to stay here."

"Come on! We've got to get you to the hospital." Phil explained, practically pulling Dan through the dorm hallway.

"Phil!" Dan drew his boyfriends name out, like he assumed Phil must be joking.

Dan chuckled, looking to find Phil straight faced.

"Phil! I'm fine! I'm just sickly, it's fine. Phil I'm-" Dan explained, interrupted by his stomach lurching at the sight of the light pouring through the glass door.

"Exactly." Phil replied, walking Dan through the rest of the campus.

On the bus Dan looked dead, his face going from pale to green and back again with every bump in the road.

Phil kept his hand over Dans, running circles with his thumb as a reminder that they would be at the hospital in less than five minutes.

At the front desk the nurse gave the boys one look before directing them to the A&E.

Dan was barely moving his feet, his stomach still a knotted mess at any movement much less the jolting sensation of Phil practically dragging him through the hospital hallways and to the A&E.

The A&E was terrifying.

After Phil got a clipboard with some papers to fill out the two of them sat in the corner; matching haircuts, skinny jeans, and so tall that they stood out.

"National Insurance Number?" Phil asked, pulling Dan out of his haze

"We're going to die." Dan gulped, looking to Phil.

Phil looked around the room to find a variety of people, mostly normal looking with a few people who were noticeable.

There was a man dressed only in a red robe with strange stains on it, he had long bleach hair with bags under his eyes and the nurses kept having to remind him that there was no smoking allowed in the hospital. Then there was the man in a footballer uniform with one single shard of glass in his chin, it wasn't big and he wasn't complaining but Phil could almost feel the same pain just looking at the injury. There was a posh looking type wearing a blue skirt and a blue button up sitting with her matching blue purse in her lap, her blue nails laying over the latch. Phil couldn't figure out what she was here for.

The rest of the people in the A&E were less noticeable, but Phil could see why Dan would be intimidated.

Phil turned back to Dan, "We'll be ok."

Dan tried to make the room stop spinning, keeping his eyes trained on Phil's steady gaze. He could only produce a nod before rattling off his National Insurance Number and answering the rest of the questions Phil asked.

When Dan's name was finally called they both stood up, Phil helping Dan keep steady. It wasn't that Dan couldn't walk, it's that his stomach made it feel like the world was sideways.

"So Daniel, your chart says you're feeling a bit sickly? Stomach pains?" The nurse asked, flipping through the papers in front of her and then typing something into the computer as Dan nodded.

"Dan has been sick all day, throwing up and feeling dizzy. He hasn't eaten anything either, don't know what he's throwing up at this point." Phil explained, filling for Dan's queazy silence.

"Alright," the nurse nodded, turning her spiny chair back around, "Daniel, based on your symptoms it points directly to a stomach infection. It's nothing to be concerned about, we'll have you stay here over night to rid you of the pain and make sure recovery is as smooth as possible at home. Do you have any fear of needles?"

Dan tried to open his mouth to speak but jolted with a gagging sensation, opting instead to shake his head no.

"Alright then!" the nurse sounded far too chipper to be anything but an animation.

She helped Dan into a wheelchair and pushed a needle into his hand to get him some hydration, the sack of water on a mobile pole next to the chair.

The nurse pushed Dan's wheelchair through the hallway and into a room, pulling Dan up onto a hospital bed and putting a mask over Dan's mouth that was used to pump morphine gas. She told the boys the doctor would be in soon and then left the room.

Phil let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding in. It was definitely scary to see Dan with a hospital gas mask on.

Dan was so tired he was barely keeping his eyes open.

"It's ok bear, I'll still be here." Phil patted Dan's hand, trying to remind himself that the nurse said it was nothing serious.

It took Dan a few seconds to process Phil's words but once he did he visibly relaxed.

Phil watched Dan sleep, pushing his hair back and adjusting the hospital blanket to cover his long legs. Phil knew he couldn't make Dan feel better but any comfort he could offer Dan he would. Plus having something to do kept him from panicking.

When the doctor came into the room she knocked lightly on the open door, startling Phil from petting the back of Dan's hand.

"Hi," Phil said, rubbing his palms on his jeans as he stood up, stretching his hand out to shake.

They shook hands and the doctor gave Phil a reassuring smile.

"Hi I'm Doctor Mills." She introduced herself.

"I'm Phil." Phil replied, "I took Dan to the hospital. I mean - that sounds like I just saw him on the street and thought he needed a doctor - which isn't true - I mean I knew he needed a doctor but I didn't just see him on the street. I know him."

The Doctor looked amused at how nervous Phil appeared, "Mr. Howell will be fine."

Phil swore anyone in a ten block radius could hear him release the breath he had been holding.

_Dan is going to be alright._

"His symptoms point exclusively to a stomach infection and will be taken care of easily by our staff. There will most definitely be medications he needs to take once he leaves but we can talk about that when Daniel is checking out of the hospital." The doctor continued.

"Thank you." Phil said aloud, almost to himself.

"In the meantime I suggest you go home. Take a bath, get a good nights rest. Come back tomorrow. Daniel needs rest and so will you." The doctor said, leaving before Phil could protest.

Phil of course didn't listen. He knew he was being childish. Dan was a grown man and the doctor had reassured Phil that Dan would be fine.

_It's just an infection._

Phil sighed, ignoring his brain by checked his phone.

Mum 3:27pm: Am I seeing you this weekend?

Phil 8:02pm: Dan's sick I need to stay home and make sure he takes his meds and gets enough rest. Sorry I know I usually come see you every other week I promise I'll make it up to you.

Phil felt bad for replying so late but couldn't get himself to care really. He was too busy being irrationally worried about Dan.

Not even two minutes passed before Phil received an incoming call from his mum.

"Hey," Phil whispered, trying not to disturb Dan from his slumber.

"Is Dan ok?" His mum whispered back urgently.

"The doctor said he'll be fine." Phil tried to state it like a fact but it ends up sounding like a question coming from his shaking voice.

"Oh honey he will be..." Catherine tried to comfort her son but knew here was no getting that boy to not worry, "What's he got?"

"Some kind of stomach infection. They didn't even run any tests. Dan just told me his symptoms and they said he's got a stomach infection. I want them to run a scan on him or something I mean what if it's not a stomach infection what if it's stomach cancer or a new disease that no ones had before and he just happens to be showing the same symptoms of a stomach infection!" Phil had amped himself up, accidentally waking Dan who groaned.

Dan lifted his morphine mask off slightly only to say one word, "More."

Phil's mum started talking on the phone about how modern medicine saves millions of lives every day and that Dan would just be fine but Phil was busy getting the attention of the nurse at the desk outside their room to give Dan more morphine.

"- I promise it'll all be ok." Phil mum finished.

"Yeah I suppose you're right mum. Look I'll make up this weeks trip by sending flowers or something, ok? I'll miss you guys this week. I expect a full report on what I missed when I see you and dad next." Phil said, nodding to the nurse when she silently pointed to the morphine mask and bumped her thumb in the air as a way of asking if that's what Dan wanted.

"Don't worry about sending flowers! Just bring Dan round when he's healthy again!" Catherine practically cooed, happy at the thought of having her boys and their partners all together.

"Definitely Mum. See you the week after next?" Phil asked, silently thanking the nurse before she walked out of the room.

"See you then, Mr. Light." His mum joked, using his nickname in lieu of an 'I love you'.

She had always teased Phil for the fact that his first word was light but would then follow her jokes with sometimes soppy about how Phil was the light of her life.

"Bye, Mum." Phil smiled a genuine smile, relieved to have such understanding parents.

Phil fell asleep resting his head on Dan's stomach.

Dan woke up to needing more morphine. It was only 11:34pm according to the clock above the door and Dan felt like screaming; he wondered if this is what period cramps felt like.

"Don't worry I'll pump you up with more drugs." The nurse chuckled lightly at the pained expression on Dan's face.

"Thank you." Dan whispered, not wanting to wake Phil.

The nurse joked, "Put your mask back on, you junkie!"

Dan obliged, breathing in the morphine gas and going back to sleep.

Two hours later it was the same thing; the nurse gave him more morphine again and Dan drifted back to sleep.

By three in the morning a man in a hospital bed was rolled in to share the room. Dan asked the nurse who brought the patient in and then asked to give him more morphine and she did so, warning Dan that they legally couldn't give him more after that.

Dan didn't understand why he didn't feel anything. Maybe the morphine tank wasn't working? The man across from him kept repeating 'ow' and Dan wondered if the morphine wasn't working on him either.

Dan was still in pain but was so exhausted he swore he could be set on fire and he'd find a way to sleep through it.

A few hours later Dan woke up to Phil having gotten him McDonalds.

"The hospital food here is crap. If you don't feel like eating you don't have to - just thought you might like the option." Phil shrugged, munching on some chips.

Dans voice was hoarse, "More crap that McDonalds?"

Phil nodded violently and then swallowed, "Here, try a bite; you must be starving."

Dan was hungry but he knew anything heavier than air wouldn't sit well. He looked to Phil, about to tell him he would pass on the food offer but Phil wasn't masking his worry all that well.

"Yeah alright," Dan mumbled, taking the breakfast sandwich out of the bag.

Only minutes after Dan finished his sandwich the morphine kicked in. Dan couldn't put words together much less keep track of all the meds the doctor was prescribing. Phil wrote down the important info and took Dan back to his flat, the whole way hyper-aware of the stares they received for Dan practically drooling on the bus.

"Come on bear, we're almost home." Phil encouraged the half conscious boy, not realising he had called his flat their home for the first time.

They were in the elevator up to Phil's place and Dan was so drugged from the morphine he could barely stand. He was leaning on Phil sluggishly but even in his partial slumber Dan's hand found Phil's before he rested his head on the older boys shoulder.

June 1st, 2011:

He was just sitting there. He was minding his own business with no way of knowing that Dan was falling apart. The stack of study papers were now scattered across the coffee table and Dan wanted to scream.

Phil had been nice, had told him he'd stay awake in the lounge with Dan as moral support but all Dan felt was invisible.

_Why am I like this?_

Dan felt like his skull was squeezing too tightly around his racing brain.

_I'm pathetic. I can't honestly think I'll ever graduate as a law student._

Dan wanted to tell himself to shut up but he was already losing track of what line he had been trying to read.

_Much less be happy?_

Dan slammed his textbook shut, drawing Phil's attention Dan's way.

"You alright?" Phil paused his video game, expecting to talk Dan through his anxiety and get him back to studying.

Dan tried to hold back the tears that were welling up in his eyes but then he just let his muscles melt.

Phil stood up and walked around the coffee table to sit next to him, wrapping his arm around Dan and letting him cry for a few moments and reminding Dan to stable his breathing.

"Hey, you're alright. I know it's hard but you're smarter than you think." Phil rubbed a hand on Dan's back.

"I can't do this." Dan's voice broke in the confession.

"What can't you do?" Phil felt his stomach drop.

"I don't think I can..." Dan licked his lips, feeling his mouth having gone dry, "Phil I don't think I can do this anymore." Dan nodded his head towards the coffee table.

"Of course you can bear! You're such a hard worker! You think outside the box and-" Phil started, trying to reassure Dan.

"No. Phil, I know that you think I'm all those things but they aren't true a-and - that's not even what this is about. I... I think I want to do something else, anything else. I'm not good at law and I have no interest in it..." Dan didn't know what else to say, he didn't know where he was going with this, "I took this course because my mum is a lawyer and I thought following in her footsteps would make her happy b-but I think my dad has made it clear that I'm not welcome home so why the fuck am I still trying to get into a career I despise? I need to stop living i-in this absolute hell for a chance at their acceptance."

Phil was quiet, not sure whether Dan needed to just vent or if he should encourage Dan to keep studying. This could just be a bad night, Dan could be saying things he doesn't mean. Phil didn't want Dan to just give up when he was less than 24hours from being done for the semester.

"Well aren't you going to say anything?" Dan asked after minute, looking over his hunched shoulder at Phil who was next to him.

"I don't - Dan, I hear you. I hear you, and although I don't know what it's like to have your parents not accept your sexuality I do know some of what the fear of it's done to you. I'm here to support you. I just don't think I know where you're going with this is all." Phil needed to know what Dan was thinking, not just a section of his thoughts.

"I..." Dan felt his throat closing at his own self disappointment, "I don't think I can study law anymore. I don't think I'll be happy... No, I know I won't be happy doing law. I don't think I was ever studying it for myself. I don't think I'm good at it and I don't want to do this for the rest of my life." Dan felt an irrational fear that Phil would yell at him.

Instead Phil just sighed and said, "I know."

"What do you mean?" Dan asked

"I mean, you told me like a month after you started school that you didn't actually want to do law, you just thought it was the right thing to do." Phil explained.

"Yeah well... I was wrong. What's scary is that I've been thinking this the whole time -" Dan held back a sob, "- that I hate law and don't want to do it b-but that I just needed to do it, that maybe everything else that's wrong with me wouldn't be so bad if I did this one thing right. If I c-could be a respectable son then maybe my dad wouldn't hate me and maybe he wouldn't - and if I could make my mum proud then maybe she wouldn't be so ashamed of-" Dan closed his eyes, trying to control the rivers of tears that wanted to stream down his face from exhaustion and frustration, "It's just that I don't really have a back up plan, I have no clue what I want to do, or what I can do. I haven't said anything because I don't have any other option but law. Law is my only choice." Dan didn't know when all of these thoughts had gotten so clear to him.

Phil always had that effect on him, made things feel simpler and more manageable.

"Are you going to take the final exam tomorrow?" Phil asked, not wanting Dan to get overwhelmed with too many plans of the future.

"I don't think there's a point. I could take it but I'd flunk and have to retake it. I think I should take the one next year but that's such a waste of time if I give up now only to go back, I don't know."

"Do you want to go back?" Phil asked softly.

"No." Dan felt his heart clench in certainty.

"Ok let's go to ShakeAway then, yeah?" Phil hugged Dan's side and waited for a response.

"Phil I'm going to be homeless." Dan replied, feeling blank.

"Dan, you're not going to be homeless" Phil felt himself smile.

"Yeah I am. I'm living at the dorms right now a-and I'm quitting Uni so I'm just-"

"You already practically live here Dan. You've got your drawer and your side of the bed and you sleep here all the time."

"I don't have my own side of the bed." Dan felt the ghost of a smile twitch at the corner of his lips, "You starfish yourself across the whole bed, there is no 'my side of the bed', there is only your bed that I somehow fit on with you."

"Not true!" Phil said, jabbing Dan in the side with his elbow before getting up to grab his keys and wallet.

ShakeAway had become a tradition. It was the place Dan and Phil went on bad nights. When Phil felt like he couldn't get the editing right in a video, when Dan couldn't make himself read another law term, whenever they had been too clumsy or awkward in a day or just needed some sugar - it was their little pick-me-up - and even on an utter crap night like tonight it at least gave them a little escape.

By the time they had started on their drinks Dan was ready to talk about what came next.

"So without a law degree I'll have to make more videos. I have to make some money so I can still live in Manchester."

Dan couldn't live at home with his dad. The situation was worse every time he went to visit - accusations of Phil having turned Dan into a faggot even with their relationship still a secret to both his parents.

Adrian had found a link to one of Dans videos and showed mum who then couldn't hide it from their dad. Worst of all was that Eugene had found Phil's unprivated video a few days later. It was tricky to convince a homophobic father that a video like that could possibly be a prank.

Going home wasn't an option.

The boys had talked about moving in together after Dan was done with Uni and apparently that day had come - just a few years earlier than expected.

"That's ages from now Dan, I can pay for the flat until you figure it out. I already do and you practically live there now."

"Yes but I eat Phil. It's nice of you to want to pay for me but even if I would let you there's no way you could afford my groceries on top of the horrible rent you already pay." Dan said after sipping on his straw.

"I guess you're right..." Phil looked at his shoes, a little disappointed, "Well how about we start a collab channel? You can keep yours a comedy channel and mine can still be my vloggy one but we could have a third where we make silly things for when we need a little extra cash. The videos we're both in always have more views anyway."

"Yeah, good idea. How about," Dan tried to think of a name for the channel, "The Amazing Channel Is Not On Fire?"

Phil shook his head, "Too long... The Amazing Project?"

"Project?" Dan questioned.

Phil shrugged, "We could have a theme like we solve crimes or we discover alien ruins or something."

"But project? Sounds more like a DIY channel to me." Dan said, smiling.

"We can work on the title." Phil chuckled, glad to see Dan back in a light enough mood to smile.

The next morning Dan sent the email to the University of Manchester officially stating that he was taking a year off of school.

"I've let everyone down." Dan said only seconds after hitting send.

"You haven't let me down." Phil replied softly.

Dan half-heartedly smiled, mustering up a brave face and rolling his eyes, "You don't count."

"Well thanks Dan. That makes me feel really special." Phil replied sarcastically.

"You are special, that's why you don't count - you're biased." Dan chuckled lightly before realizing his parents should be biased in his favor as well - just for different reasons.

Phil watched as Dans face fell at the thought. Dan swore at himself for tearing up. The weight on his chest made his shoulders want to cave around himself. Wasn't sending this email supposed to lift that heaviness?

"You finally stopped letting yourself down, bear. You were miserable doing law. You got out. Now you'll have time to look into other things and really think about what comes next! You should be singing and dancing! We should celebrate!" Phil beamed, trying to impress his pride into the younger boy.

Dan smiled listening to Phil, unable to keep a few tears from trailing down his face. His breath, shaking at the effort to keep the rest of his tears at bay.

"Show it to the camera!" Phil said pulling out his phone.

"Show the email?" Dan tried to soften his breathing, but it only became more ragged and pronounced.

Phil nodded, his movement shaking my the camera a bit.

"My certificate of failure?" Dan joked, turning his laptop to Phil.

"It's your certificate of doing whatever the hell you want!" Phil corrected.

"You've done it! You've started on your own path! You've gotten out of the 'what's expected of me next' cycle!" Phil announced, beaming.

Dan chuckled, his tears drying up listening to how happy Phil was to see Dan doing something for himself.

Phil kept going, kept his mouth rambling on about how Dan had his whole life ahead of him and yet all Dan could hear clearly for the first time in months was 'I love you' and that was enough.


	3. Chapter 3

Dan chuckled, his tears drying up listening to how happy Phil was to see Dan doing something for himself.

Phil kept going, kept his mouth rambling on about how Dan had his whole life ahead of him and yet all Dan could hear clearly for the first time in months was 'I love you' and that was enough.

•••

"Seriously what did we do after I quit Uni? Like I officially moved in and we were making videos but literally we did nothing." Dan says, kind of shocked.

Phil nods, shrugging, "Things were pretty calm. It was nice."

"I wouldn't give up any of the tour or the book or the movies but damn we had so much free time." Dan notes, chuckling.

"We started The Super Amazing Project!" Phil suddenly remembers, a finger pointed in the air as a sign of his recollection, "It was also that year that my mum got me my first house plant!"

"And your addiction began... with a cactus."

"It'll always have a special place in my heart." Phil shuts his eyes, trying to look reminiscent.

"Didn't that plant die?" Dan asks.

Phil looks to Dan, "No it's in the hallway sat on the heater."

"Really?"

Phil nods.

"I've literally lost track of that cactus because we live in a fucking forest."

"Hey! Be nice to Timmy! He is loved and unique and it's not his fault you can't tell my children apart!" Phil says, not keeping himself from smiling a little.

Dan chuckles, " **Your** children?"

"You can't even tell them apart!" Phil protests.

Dan fakes offense, "I water them more than you!"

"Only when I'm with family!"

"And when you forget - which is constantly!" Dan says, eyes wide and sassy.

"Do not!" Phil slumps his shoulders, trying to look defeated.

"You let your own children **die**." Dan tries to look disgusted but ends up giggling when Phil turns to him with a pouty frown.

Dan laughs, turning to the camera, "And the houseplant addiction only got worse when we got a bigger flat in London!"

•••

August 11th 2012:

"I swear to Satan that if this box falls down the stairs like the last one I'm falling down the stairs head first with it." Dan complained, panting as he pulled on the box in an attempt to get it up at least one more step.

It was a hot day in London, far too hot to move in to a flat that had so many stairs.

"You're supposed to swear to God." Phil corrected, pushing the bottom of the box towards Dan.

"What?" Dan asked, a bit grumpy from the amount of exercise he'd done that day.

"You swore to Satan, supposed to swear to god." Phil explained, finally getting the box onto the flat landing.

"That's all you got from what I said?" Dan huffed, sitting down on the ground with a corner of the box in his lap.

Phil nodded.

"Why am moving in with you again?" Dan asked, joking.

Phil shrugged, too tired to chuckle.

The past few months had been hard for them. With the video being leaked and the theories their subs had were growing at an intense rate, all of which pointed to Dan and Phil being together, they weren't exactly in a honeymoon phase. Luckily the video leak had been small and they had taken it down only a few hours afterwards but the anxiety that it would leak again still hung over the both of them.

Explaining why they moved to London, much less together, was difficult without the explanation that they were together. Of course London was expensive and neither of them could afford an apartment on their own comfortably but the subs really weren't buying that one, much less Dan's parents.

His mum hadn't minded much, saying that if Dan was happy she'd support him completely and Dan opted to believe she was mostly telling the truth about that. After all his mum wasn't exactly the kind to be relaxed about any situation, even on a good day. She obviously wasn't comfortable but she was trying and that was all Dan could hope for even if it wasn't all he wished for.

His mum had taken on the peacemaker role. She organized once a month dinners, each time steering the conversation towards Formula 1 and the latest film his dad was helping with props on rather than Dan's YouTube channel or his living situation.

His dad wasn't even close to understanding - not that Dan had expected him to. When Eugene had found the video Dan had gotten a call from him out of the blue. His heart pounding as he answered the call, not even getting a chance to say hello before red anger came screaming through the line.

It had been almost a year since that call and his dad hadn't said a word to him. At dinner he was quiet, everyone was too tense to call him out on it anyway.

Mentioning that he was now going to move to London with the secret boyfriend his dad called disgusting and a disgrace at the latest dinner wasn't any easier. His dad had left the table after several seconds of terrifying silence and his mum had followed. Twenty minutes of overheard screaming went on before Dan decided to leave, telling Adrian to not worry before he left.

Even with Dan still denying that he was with Phil, his parents knew. Dan still hasn't brought Phil over for any of the dinners - there was no point. Of course Dan wanted to be able to bring Phil round and have a nice dinner with his parents but his dad made that impossible.

During liveshows Dan always tried to lie or beat around the truth. He'd deny anything about a relationship when he could and down play any chemistry they had in videos. He had been rejected and ignored again and again at home, he wasn't going to risk that on YouTube. Not somewhere that had been his oasis before he met Phil; not somewhere that was the only way he could financially live with Phil.

Phil just ignored questions about them on liveshows. He'd talk about what anime he was watching or silly things that happened over the last week or ask the viewers if they wanted him to get Dan. If Dan was there the only phan comments on a liveshow would be 'omg they're so cute together!!!' instead of 'why didn't you take down the video once you realised you weren't going to go through with the prank?!??' which was a lot harder to handle seeing.

Phil was just tired of calling Dan his flatmate or his Youtube buddy rather than his boyfriend, the love of his life, the best thing that's ever happened to him.

Dan was scared though. Dan finally had this platform to talk about things and get feedback from hundreds of thousands of people. Dan could joke and think out loud and make money from it. Phil knew he shouldn't want Dan to risk all that for him so he kept his thoughts of telling their audience the truth to himself.

In October it leaked again. This time it exploded, impossible to escape the questions and theories. They spent close to two hours every day for several weeks taking down the video from tumblr accounts and the like. It was exhausting and discouraging.

Phil stopped looking after a while, knowing he'd never really get it all taken down. He had made peace with a few thousand of their subs seeing the video he had made for Dan. Dan hadn't.

Dan started spending his free time looking through phandom accounts to check for the video and to see what his viewers thoughts on him were, it became obsessive.

"Dan?" Phil yelled from the kitchen.

"Yeah?" Dan yelled back from his room.

He used to spend his time in the lounge or in Phil's room, never in his own room with the door locked.

"What do you want for dinner?" Phil asked, walking to the hallway.

"Not hungry." Dan yelled back, eyes still glued to his computer screen.

Phil wanted to open the door but felt like he shouldn't, "Right, well I was thinking I could make some Chinese food, maybe order a pizza? We could watch any show you want."

"Knock yourself out." Dan said, having not paid much attention to exactly what Phil had suggested; that Phil was trying.

Phil didn't end up making dinner. He went back to his own room and watched some of their old videos. It was sad really, he used to only watch their videos when they weren't together. Whether Phil was in Florida or Dan was in India. If it was because Dan was too busy at school or Phil was traveling up north to visit family. Youtube had always been their way to forget for a minute that they were so far away from each other. But now there was only a wall between the two of them. Phil almost found it funny that he could say the same for their relationship.

They barely talked that month. Phil let Dan spend his time on his computer, Dan let Phil wonder what was happening to them.

In the midst of another late night obsession motivated scrolling session Dan clicked on a phanfiction. He knew he shouldn't as it would probably be horribly cringe worhty and inaccurate but he couldn't keep himself from it. The description was similar to so many being written recently, always a story revolving around the boys dealing with the video leak. He hasn't clicked on any fics about it yet as he was scared. He didn't know why as he shouldn't be scared of a fictional piece but he was completely paralyzed with fear over the though of seeing what his subscribers would think their life off camera was like.

He tried to not read what his subs wrote about them but sometimes the mixture of boredom, an all-nighter, and curiosity got the better of him; tonight was a dangerously strong cocktail of all three.

This particular phanfic was from the point of view of Phil. In the fic they were yelling and fighting and crying. Dan wondered if that's how normal people would've handled it.

Recently it was like everything in Dan's life except the video had fizzled to unimportance. The only things Dan did anymore was make videos and read what his viewers thought of him and the relationship they were finding more and more about. He knew he wasn't talking to Phil a lot but Phil wasn't talking to him a whole lot either.

_I can't blame him really though, he makes more of an effort than I do. At least he's not on his computer all day like I am._

Dan sighed, clicking out of the fic only to find another. This one was about their trip to Jamaica. Dan smiled at the memories. Things were so much easier back then. It was all easy smiles and making silly videos. They had still been able to make each other blush. He clicked on the fic to find it full of incredibly lame one-liners and so many typos he found himself clicking out of the tab within a paragraph of reading.

The memories still stuck though. Dan realized he didn't know when the last time he had kissed Phil was. And that - that - was scarier than any of the things they were going through together. Their subs finding out, his parents rejection, Phil's anxiety, they could get through it together; but getting through anything without each other wasn't something Dan wanted to do - it wasn't a possibility, Dan wouldn't let it be.

Had they really grown apart so much so fast?

Dan didn't think it would've been possible just a few months ago but here he was in his own room avoiding dinner so he wouldn't have to talk to Phil. Here he was needing a fic to tell him what his heart has been trying to tell him for months.

"Phil?" Dan asked softly, knocking on their bedroom door.

When Phil didn't answer Dan opened the door to find Phil asleep with the his laptop still open on his lap. As Dan went to close it he realised Phil had fallen asleep with one of their older videos still playing.

Dan smiled softly, curling up across from Phil, "Night Phil."

Everyone seems to think they made up with a huge fight and a solution or a compromise but reality was a lot less interesting. The first step to Dan making any of this right was ending one night right, together.

•••

"That Christmas we got emailed from BBC about the weekly show!" Phil says, eyes wide with the exciting memory.

Dan watches Phil, "Still don't know how they trusted us with that tbh." 

"Dan!" Phil fakes annoyance, "You've honestly got to stop using text lingo in real life."

"'Text lingo'" Dan repeated slowly, like he was asking if he should be offended.

"Now all the comments on this video are going to be like 'Dan you need to stop oh my god you're an embarrassment'" Phil continues.

 _"'_ **Text lingo'** _"_ Dan repeats again, more pointedly; not bothering to tell Phil he doubted any of the comments on their bloody coming out video would bother talking about his bad habits of blending internet slangs into real life conversation.

"Why do you keep saying that?" Phil couldn't hold back his smile anymore.

"You sound like an old man with 'lingo' like that." Dan replies cooly, leaning back and crossing his arms.

"Do not!" Phil says, crossing his arms in an attempt to mimic Dan's over dramatic stance.

"Well now you just look like a four year old." Dan says, rolling his eyes.

"Right!" Phil chuckles, "Off track again! We're really good at this, aren't we?"

"Obvs." Dan says, with a light chuckle.

Phil stares at him knowingly.

"What?" Dan asks, a little concerned that he had food on his face somehow before he realized he had used that 'text lingo' again, "Yeah alright it's a problem I'll work on it, you happy now?"

Phil giggles, using his fist to cover his wide grin.

Dan watches Phil laugh for a second before remembering the video camera was on - such a force of habit, being aware of a cameras eye on him. Every move being analyzed and put meaning to. Every word and gesture used over and over again to point back to the inevitable and inescapable shipping of phan.

That's why they had decided to make this video; they were tired of their relationship being a brand, tired of constantly covering up and denying.

Even with the knowledge that they were opening up to their viewers now didn't keep Dan's reflexes from correcting the way he looks at Phil or mentally noting to edit this or cut that out. This video would have no jump cuts, no music, no comic sans. This video was just them, no smoke or mirrors. 

"Yes I'm happy now." Phil smiles at Dan, his eyes warm with adoration.

Dan knows this is going to be a screenshot that everyone watching will take. He knows it'll be a gif slowed down to melodramatic music with a cheesy quote underneath but for once Dan can't bring himself to care.

This is what he and Phil have and he is proud of the connection everyone saw between them. He can feel his shoulders relax and his eyes soften, wanting to not film the rest of the video so he could just stay here in this sense of relief and contentment.

Dan clears his throat, "So BBC."

"Right." Phil smiles down at his hands briefly before looking back up at the camera to continue their story.

•••

December 14th 2012:

"Hey Dan?" Phil asked, looking up from his computer screen to find the younger boy playing Skyrim again.

"Hm?" Dan asked, only half paying attention.

"I just got an email from BBC?" Phil felt like he must be mistaken, like he needed Dan to read the email to tell him it he wasn't having a hallucination.

"Wait," Dan paused the game, turning to face Phil, "What?"

Phil pushed his laptop to Dan's lap for him to read.

"Oh my god." Dan couldn't believe what he was reading, "Phil, this is really big."

Dan gulped his racing heartbeat and looked up at Phil.

Phil swallowed back, "Yeah, I know."

"Well do you want to do it?" Dan asked, telling himself that he shouldn't be scared of Phil spending time away from home.

Dan knew he should feel nothing but support for him but the timing was so off. Phil and him weren't doing much better, sure Dan had stopped blocking Phil out and ignoring him but Dan was still adamant to their subscribers that they were just friends.

And although it was true that they were friends it definitely wasn't all that was there and it hurt for Phil to hear Dan denying it again and again even if he knew it was probably the adult choice to make for their careers. Even with Phil knowing it was the right choice he still questioned if that's truly why Dan hid the nature of their relationship.

Dan had realized what an utter twat he'd been to Phil the past few months but he hadn't apologized. It's not like a simple sorry could ever make up for all the stupid shit he'd done.

"Well it'd bring in that extra cash we're always needing. You could go out with friends more and I could visit my family more." Phil tried to look at it logically instead of what he really wanted.

"Right," Dan chuckled, feeling his heart sink at how nervous Phil was to mess things up.

_For fucks sake Phil none of our problems are your fault! I'm the one to blame! Why aren't you mad at me?_

Dan wanted to yell at Phil and shake his shoulders. He wanted Phil to be mad at him for once. Anger is so much easier to handle than disappointment and sadness; after all he grew up handling others anger.

"Well we could also, you know..." Dan wish it wasn't all this awkward, this isn't how they're supposed to be.

Dan looked at Phil to find him with his head tilted in confusion.

"We could spend the money on nights out together." Dan said, waiting for Phil to understand but he really wasn't catching on, "Like a proper couple."

"Really?" Phil shot back, unable to keep his shock from showing.

"Don't sound so surprised," Dan tried to lighten the mood, "it's not like I have any other friends anyway."

"So we'll take the job as radio DJs?" Phil asked.

Dan chuckled, "We? Phil, the email was sent to you."

"But we collab all the time they can't be seriously offering this job to me but not you, can they?"

Dan nodded, a small smile growing on his lips. Phil was so damn cute with his eyebrows scrunched together with confusion and his lips quirked in a small frown.

"They even said 'Dear Mr. Lester' no Dan Howell was mentioned in the whole of the email." Dan said, smiling with pride for Phil.

Phil shook his head, "Well, I'll bring it up to them it must have been a mistake."

"Phil!" Dan giggled, "Take the job! It's ok Phil, you deserve this. You know not every success you has is due to me, right? You're clever and creative and funny, you'll be brilliant as a DJ."

"I don't want to take the job without you." Phil said the words simply, like he was reciting basic addition.

Dan was taken aback by Phil's loyalty. He had no reason to be, no rational person would want to be around Dan the way he treated Phil. But Phil is Phil; and Dan chastised himself for being surprised when Phil is selfless - it's just Phil.

A week of scrambling to get a basic concept and material prepared and then they were off to their families for the holidays. Dan to Reading and Phil to Rossendale.

"Daniel!" Adrian screamed, running towards Dan who had just finished paying his cabbie.

"Hey Adrian!" Dan chucked, hugging the shorter boy and ruffling his hair.

Adrian grabbed Dan's hand and pulled him to the front door and lead him inside to find a huge pile of presents under the Christmas tree.

"Adrian?" Their mum yelled from the kitchen, "Is Daniel here yet?"

"Yeah Mum, he's right here!" Adrian pulled Dan the rest of the way to the kitchen, Dan giggled at his excitement.

"Daniel!" Dan's mum pulled Dan into a hug, her face buried in his chest.

Dan's mum was always a composed women. She had slick backed hair in a tight low ponytail, impeccable posture, ironed clothing, and simple black eyeliner. She never did her nails, always wore a pant suit, and the only jewellery she had was a simple wedding band. Dan was glad to have her as a role model even if she wasn't the typical mum most kids had growing up.

"Go wash your hands." Dan's mum said, brushing her hand over Dan's button up shirt as an excuse to not meet his eyes.

As Dan walked to the bathroom he saw his dad in the lounge.

Dan waved politely and Eugene nodded, tipping his beer towards the boy.

Dan walked to the hallway bath and texted Phil that he had made it to his parents alright.

Phil 4:42pm: Good luck Danny boy! ;-*

Dan 4:43pm: was that supposed to be a kissy face?

Phil 4:45pm: yes and aren't you going to comment on the adorable nickname i've coined for you?

Dan 4:46pm: no

Dan found a flicker of a smile on his lips as he looked in the mirror and washed up.

After setting up the table, dinner was ready.

_This is it._

"Adrian could you pass me the butter?" Dan's mum asked.

_I finally have a proper job as a DJ with the BBC. It's not all they ever wished for but its more than YouTube._

"Get me a beer." Eugene burped.

Dan's mum sighed, getting up from the table to get another from the fridge.

"Here you go dear." Dan's mum was back, putting the beer down next to her husband and sat down again.

She smiled, "So what's the latest then, Daniel?"

Dan could tell she was trying to make this a nice Christmas evening. She was trying so hard and Dan wished it could be the way she wanted it but he knew it never would be.

"Well I got a job!" Dan put simply, figuring it was better to start with the basics.

She looked at Dan with big eyes, not believing what she heard, obviously schooling her features from appearing too excited, "But you've got a job on YouTube."

Dan appreciated his mum trying to recognise YouTube as a job even if she didn't truly, "Yeah but I've gotten another job as well."

She smiled from across the table, "Really? Where?"

"With the BBC. I'm going to be a radio presenter every week on this show that me and Phil made called the Internet takeover." Dan smiled, feeling like maybe for once things would go well if only for a few minutes. 

Dan hoped that his mum could be proud of him.

She was smiling, properly smiling, "I'm so proud of you! That's fantastic! What day does it start? How do I listen?"

"Well actually you can watch it too-!" Dan didn't get finish.

Dan hoped that maybe his dad could shut up for a minute and not say something to ruin it.

"With phil?"

The room was silent for a few tense seconds as Dan sat there in shock that his dad had actually said something to him.

Dan quickly decided that for the moment he wouldn't call his dad out on the silence that has been hanging between the two of them for over a year, "Yeah! The BBC really liked the relationship we have with our subscribers I guess and so they emailed us-"

Dan hoped that everyone could be happy.

"I thought I told you about that boy." Eugene interrupted abruptly.

"You haven't even met him!" Dan was done playing dumb to where this was going, "I've been friends with him for three years! I live with him and you won't even give him a chance!"

It occurred to Dan that this applied to himself as well. Dan had been raised in this household and his dad had never bothered to ask about his interests or even about his day. All Dan did was try and try and try but all his dad could see was a 'fag lawyer drop out'.

"It's Christmas!" Adrian yelled, not wanting this either.

"Come on boys lets have a nice dinner." his mum added softly.

"So now you've moved in with that fag **you think** you can make a little life for the two of you and I won't have a say in it?" Eugene was being uncharacteristically calm.

"Yes!" Dan didn't know what he was doing but everything was happening too fast and all eyes were on him and he couldn't stop now, "Yes ok? **I think** I can have a job on YouTube! **I think** I can continue to live in London! **I think** I can kiss whoever the hell I want! **I know **that the only person I want to be kissing is Phil! **I know** I can be with Phil! **I know** Phil and I will live a happy life together! We have so far! I don't need your fucking validation to live my life! You're a self-absorbed prick and an absolute shit dad. You never were a dad to me, you know that? So even if not being straight was a bloody disgrace you still don't have any right to chime in on it! You gave up your dad card the minute you started drinking! I think I'm done listening to your homophobic bullshit is what I think!"

Dan didn't have time to think if he should have said what he had before he felt the walls of his brain caving in as he quickly began to panic that this was all wrong and that everything was about to fall apart.

Eugene was still sat at the table, his eyes a calm boil and face twisted with disgust at his own son.

Dan could feel himself about to cry because he fucking **hated**  himself and he hated the situation and he hated that nothing's changed.

_I can move away. I can create a whole life on my own. I can run, but it always comes back to this._

Dans anger swelled again, he was positively fuming; so beyond done feeling like he wasn't allowed to be with Phil, that he wasn't allowed his happiness.

"Don't come back home until you've stopped being a fucking disappointment." Eugene replied evenly, putting his napkin down and taking his beer as he climbed the stairs.

The table was silent. Dan was shaking, his body trembling with frustration and exhaustion.

The room fell stagnant except for Dan's ragged breaths as he tried to contain his disgust with his father. Dan felt like his skin was vibrating he was so pissed that he had been forced to be raised but such an ignorant selfish asshole.

_Why is it easier for Eugene to hate Phil than to let me love him?_

Dan was not an angry person. Dan never got wound up easily. When Dan did get mad it was at himself; but right now? Dan was absolutely livid with his father. He wanted his dad to know all the pain he had caused him. From the lacking of acceptance, to how he only ever ignored Dan, to the fact that Eugene hadn't done any better with Adrian.

It was all complete bullshit.

_I never deserved this._

Dan hated that he had spent his teenage life believing that any hate from his dad was grounded in some logic that Dan just hadn't figured out yet. That if Dan could just grow the fuck up he might actually be mature enough to stop feeling the way he did. That Dan just needed to change to be loved. That Dan needed to do this or be that to be accepted. That anything Eugene did was somehow Dan's fault.

_I'm tired of trying to make him proud._

_'That's it'_ would be the only thought in Dan's brain if he could think of anything other than the pounding of his heart and the stillness of his itching skin.

"I'm proud of you, son." Dan's mum said a minute later, putting a warm hand over his shaking one.

•••

"The first show was so scary!" Dan remarks.

"We did loads of practice! We had to know how all the buttons worked and when to press them and even what to say!" Phil explains.

"We had segments to do and challenges to create! There was so much to do and we definitely worked down to the wire every time!" Dan chuckles at all the memories of them staying up until 4am still planning for the show the next day.

"That show was exciting but an absolute wreck!" Phil says, waving his hands in a 'done' motion.

Dan nods, chuckling a little, "It was so much fun but I don't think we could ever do it again."

Phil looks to Dan, "I mean yeah! With everything we have planned these next few years we won't have time!" 

Dan put a finger over his lips, "No spoilers, remember?"

"Oh right!" Phil smiles, "After everything with the radio show calmed down we started our gaming channel!"

"Dil was born and with him came the parentphan fics of everyone's dreams!" Dan recounts.

Phil laughs, "Your guys's love for Dil really inspired us to keep the gaming channel alive! Especially with the book writing and tour planning; Dil and the rest of our gaming was our little escape!"

"Wait, we're already moving on to the tour and book?" Dan asks, more to Phil than the camera.

Phil shrugs, "I mean what else is there to say about 2013?"

•••

December 25th 2012:

Dan was miserable the whole way home, the cabbie kept asking if he needed to go to hospital but after about fifteen minutes of loud sobbing he dropped the subject.

Dan dragged himself up the stairs feelings completely useless, his hands were shaking and his legs felt weak; his entire body was heavy with grief.

Phil 11:43pm: Danny! how'd it go? i'm assuming you're still awake O.O let's skype? miss uuuuu

Dan 11:45pm: it all went to shit Phil. don't want you seeing me like this when you're so far away.

Phil didn't reply to the text, opting to just Skype his boyfriend anyway.

"Hey," Phil greeted softly once the screen loaded.

Dan just sniffled in response, trying to stiffen his shaking body so he wouldn't break out into sobs again.

_I'm not some pathetic emo teen anymore. I shouldn't be crying over Skype._

"So it all went to crap, huh?" Phil asked, his whole body ached to be holding Dan right now.

Dan felt like falling apart at the mere sound of Phil's concerned voice.

_Pathetic._

Dan mustered a nod.

"Are you ok? That's a stupid question, uh - well I would head home right now but my train isn't until tomorrow morning." Phil squished his lips together like he was disappointed that he couldn't think of a solution.

"I'll be ok until tomorrow." Dan mumbled.

"Well I could probably ask my mum for the car. We'd have to figure out a way to get it home within the week though. Let me look up train schedules to and from Manchester for the next week so that I'll know I have to miss one of the practice BBC se-" Phil was babbling, typing into his computer.

"I love you."

Dan could feel it. His chest run with fire and pride that he was lucky enough to have Phil.

Phil, the man with bright blue eyes full of golden specks and hues of gray. Phil, the man who's favourite peace offering to make after a petty argument wasn't make-up sex but instead included buy chocolates and letting Dan choose the show they watch that night. Phil, the man who listened to Dan intently on good days and bad. Phil, the man who's smile could make a black hole glow like the sun. Phil, the man he loves.

Dan really means it and his whole being has discarded the night and is honed in on Phil, on home.

When Phil did get back to their flat Dan collapsed into his arms, his cheeks streamed with tears and his eyes puffy from the effort.

"Hey you're ok. I'm here you're ok. Bear please, sit." Phil lead Dan back to the lounge, sitting next to him and holding his hands.

Dan sat there sobbing.

He was sobbing because his parents finally knew. They finally knew. They weren't just assuming anymore; they knew and his dad had just walked away calling him a disappointment and Dan knew to expect that but he didn't go into that dinner thinking he'd be telling them more than just about his new job. But he had and he'd fucked it up and now his mum would never have the calm family dinner she wanted and his dad would never love him.

_Fuck that! My dad never loved me for how I am - no, who I am! Me telling him what he already knew doesn't change that!_

But it was more than that.

Dan was sobbing because he had left only minutes after the fight. He was sobbing thinking of the mess he had left Adrian to inevitably overhear. He was sobbing thinking of the family he had let down in every way. He was sobbing because his mum said he was proud of him and he didn't ever think she'd say that over him loving another boy.

He was sobbing because Phil was here. Despite all odds Dan had managed to find Phil and now he was here watching Dan sob and he was holding his hands and he was sticking it through even after months of Dan treating him like a cheap accessory.

He was sobbing over what he had put Phil through. All the quiets that were never meant to be there and all the times Dan had left the love of his life worried about what came next. He was sobbing over how stupid he'd been.

He was sobbing over how absolutely pathetic he must look to Phil right then.

"Hey, hey take a deep breath ok?" Phil rubbed Dan's back, "In?... Out... Ok, you're ok love. Hey, you're alright. Hold your breath? And when you feel a little less shaky let it out again... Well done bear."

"I-I'm pathet-tic." Dan hiccuped, his breathing not completely normal yet.

"You aren't pathetic, you're human."

It took several hours of talking to calm Dan down and get him to bed but by the end Phil had a pretty clear understanding of what exactly had gone down.

Phil was pacing, his eyes darting from the ground to the ceiling and back to Dan. He was sleeping, sprawled across the bed with his nose still running from the hours of crying.

Phil wanted to scream. He had never seen Dan cry this much and it was so much worse than the months of Dan ignoring him. He loved that boy so badly and seeing him hurt was almost as intense as the love he had for him right then.

He was pacing and Dan was laying there spent from having interacted for less than two hours around his family and Phil couldn't do anything to help the situation. He had felt useless the whole night on Skype, had felt hopeless trying to get Dan to calm down, and now that Phil was there for Dan in person it wasn't enough.

All Phil could do was watch as his boyfriend went to his family as a ball of nerves and come back a crying disaster. He hated not being able to keep Dan from that pain. It was family and Phil didn't know at what point Dan should call it quits with them.

_That's horrible! I can't decide for Dan when he should cut his family off! I'm supposed to support and love him, not protect him from people who **should** be loving him!_

Phil stiffened at that. That's the difference wasn't it? They _should_ be loving Dan but they weren't. Phil figured Dan's mum at least loved him but that she might just not very good at showing it. Dan's dad on the other hand? Phil hated that Dan ever had to be in a four kilometre radius of that man, much less live with him.

_Something has to change. This has gone on too long. I can't let them treat Dan like this anymore. I might not be able to protect him but I can at least stand up for him._

And with that Phil grabbed Dan's phone and dialed his mum.

"Daniel?" she sounded shocked, worried even.

"No it's Phil." He said, leaving the bedroom so he wouldn't wake Dan.

"Is my son there?"

"He's asleep. He came home a mess, you know that? He came home and I've never seen him this upset. What kind of parent are you two if coming home from a Christmas dinner looks like this? What kind of father tells his son to not come back until his son has stopped doing things that make him happy? What kind of mother doesn't stand up for her son? Dan doesn't deserve this! I've kept myself out of it because I respect Dan's privacy and because I know you won't listen to me but I can't anymore! Unlike you I can't just stand by and watch people hurt the man I love!" Phil was near tears just thinking of how many times there hadn't been someone to stand up for Dan, how before they met Phil knew Dan had been practically friendless and bullied daily.

"I'm divorcing Eugene." She replied quietly.

Phil didn't know what to say to that, didn't know how she expected him to take that news.

For a beat too long now he said nothing and then, "Good."

He hung up.

March 2nd 2013:

"Alright," Phil yawned, "next weeks special is emailed, tomorrow we're filming the pre-recorded bits and then doing the show and tonight is actually coming to an end."

The radio show was still a lot of work to keep up but they were getting better at being a week ahead of time.

"Well done." Dan smiled, a little tired even if it was only ten.

"Oh," Phil tapped on the screen of his phone, "my mum says thanks for letting her come over this weekend."

Dan paused the show he was watching, looking up from his laptop screen, "Tell her she's welcome whenever! I mean you're always going up north to see them, it'd be nice to have you home and their company would just be a bonus. It's not like we really go anywhere ever anyway."

Comments like this - casual compliments, confessions of Dan missing Phil, etc. - were becoming easier, even a common occurrence. It wasn't strange or uncomfortable anymore but it wasn't unnoticed either.

Phil smiled, "Yeah that's what I thought, I'll tell her you agree."

Phil didn't know what had changed but Dan had stopped being as distant. Phil would ask what had changed to make Dan less obsessed with their subscribers and more present with him each day except Phil was scared that any questions would somehow push the boy farther away.

They didn't talk about the day after Christmas, they didn't talk about what came next either. Physical affection was still scarce and usually only playful but it was there now.

Dan had gotten a call the next day from his mum telling him she was divorcing Eugene, Dan didn't reply and instead hung up. She called almost daily for a month, leaving messages that at first were like apology letters listing everything she had done wrong for years and saying sorry more than either of them knew how to take but eventually the voice messages became about hoping Dan was well and eventually just small updates about what business trip she was on at the moment or how Adrian was. Dan never talked about the messages but he always waited until Phil was sitting next to him to listen to them. Phil never told Dan to call her back, not asking if he wanted to talk about it because he knew that if he was ready he would.

Phil just wanted everything to be ok.

"Really Phil, it was nice to have her over." Dan said, assuming the worried expression on Phil's face had to do with the topic at hand.

"Oh yeah, I know. My mums great, I know." Phil said, trying to brush off his worried thoughts.

"You alright?" Dan asked, obviously confused.

Phil felt like crying he was so frustrated that Dan could act like the two of them were fine.

_Dan being nice to me shouldn't be a foreign concept._

"Yeah, sorry it's nothing, I'm just thinking." Phil said, not wanting to go into depth.

"Yeah I've been thinking a lot too. I want to hear what's on your mind too but this... it's been on my mind for far too long. You need to know. I need to tell you." Dan said, feeling his heart sink at the thought of all those lonely nights and distant days.

His heart sinking at the thought of having left Phil to worry about what was happening to them. His heart sinking at the thought of not knowing how to ever make up for the silences he let haunt them. His heart sinking as he looked up to find Phil looking panicked.

_What have I done to the one person that matters to me?_

"Well go on then! Don't leave me hanging!" Phil looked so worried.

Dan didn't have to touch Phil's chest to know his heart was pounding.

Dan slipped on a bittersweet smile, "Yeah I reckon I've left you hanging for far too long."

That only made Phil look more concerned.

"This year has been shit." Dan breathed out, pushing his fringe out of his face as a nervous tick, "It's been utter shit and it's all my fault."

"Oh bear-" Phil started, leaning forward.

"No." Dan put his hand up to make him stop, "Cut the shit Phil. I don't get a 'Oh bear'. I'm not saying that to get sympathy. I've been a complete dick. I've known that since early December it's just... Phil I've fucked it up. I've fucked it all up. I don't know where to start. There's so much I have to make up for but there's no way to do that. You deserve better than any of this." Dan motioned to his body and then to the room, "I'm a complete mess and you've put up with me through it all - no you've done more than put up with me, you've supported me." Dan looked distressed, his eyebrows furrowed,

"A-and I don't know where I'd be without you." Dan kept himself from looking up to Phil, it was overwhelming to suddenly talk about these things and seeing Phil would send him into emotional overload, "I haven't said sorry for any of this because what does 'sorry' do? 'Sorry' could never begin to make any of this up to you. 'Sorry' doesn't make me change what I do, doesn't change what I've done. I'd understand it if you had left me by now but you haven't and I'm not sure why. I would've left me. I've been hell to be around."

Dan looked up to find Phil silently crying, the edge of his eyes red with the effort to keep the rest of his tears back.

Dan's heart stopped sinking and broke, completely shattered. It felt like a spear had just gone through his chest, like his throat was suddenly tight and clogged, his lungs full of water, his hands shaking in a need to hold his boyfriend, his lover, his best friend.

And there was only one thing to say, "I'm sorry" 

"I don't-" Phil rubbed his nose with the back of his hand, "I don't know what to say."

Dan nodded sympathetically, giving Phil a few second to collect himself.

"Can I?" Dan asked, opening his hand for Phil to hold.

Phil let out a dry ragged sob, almost laughing at the sight before slowly putting his hand in Dan's.

Phil took a deep shaky breath, meeting Dan's eyes.

"You'd think we haven't seen each other in years the way I'm acting." Phil chuckled, a few tears still trailing down his cheeks.

"We kind of haven't, for months."

Phil kept his eye contact with Dan trying to know what to say. There had been so much going unsaid; what needed to be said now? What was first on the list? Where was Phil even supposed to start?

"I don't know what I'd do without you." Phil decided that's as good a start as any.

"I didn't put up with you Dan, I waited for you to figure things out - I knew you would and you did. Maybe I waited too long but I would've waited a lot longer. You don't need to apologize for anything but giving up on us, or at least that's how it felt. I thought you were just cutting me off until I-" Phil choked back more tears, "until I left you - but I wouldn't have. I refuse to give up on you, on us." Phil took a deep breath, trying to keep himself in this moment rather than what's already passed, "The truth is I don't know where to start either but as long as we start together I'll be ok."

"Together." Dan promised.

A couple of months passed as Dan and Phil healed. Things weren't as uncertain but they were still unsteady. They fought and it was usually Phil who was the one to break down. Dan watched over and over again as Phil would scream and then cry and half the time he would ask Dan to leave and let him cool down. Things weren't easy. Phil still had deep wounds from Dan having ignored him for so long but Dan stuck it out, stayed in the room even when Phil cried for him to leave the city. Dan hugged Phil when the man let him and gave him kisses whenever he could.

Phil couldn't stop worrying that Dan would go back to ignoring him the minute he figured they were ok again. Phil took things slowly. Phil wasn't the one to shower Dan in affection in bed, wasn't the one making Sunday morning breakfast, wasn't the one suggesting they order pizza.

Dan was the one reaching out and if Phil knew anything he knew Dan was long from giving up on the two of them.

June 27th 2013:

"Today was really nice." Dan giggled, slightly drunk.

"YouTube pride week party is usually pretty fun." Phil agreed, helping his boyfriend up their many stairs.

"Yeah but this year was even more fun!" Dan said, his eyes wide and lips loose like a child talking about the local fair.

"You're also a lot less drunk than you were last year." Phil chuckled, shaking his head.

"I'm just as horny though..." Dan said, his filter on what's ok to say had been rapidly wearing off for several hours now.

"What's that I hear? Oh right, a reminder that you can't consent for shit right now." Phil joked, opening the door to their flat and leading Dan to his room.

Dan pouted, "But I want to sleep in _our_ room!"

"I'm pretty sure there's a lot you'd like to do right now. Sit, let me take your shoes off." Phil said, kneeling to reach Dan's shoes.

"It's hot when your bossy." Dan complained.

"It's hot when you're sober and able to be more subtle in your flirtations, you know that?" Phil asked, taking Dan's socks off too and then his jacket.

"You could take my pants off too if you'd like." Dan mentioned, trying to sound off hand about it.

That was when the first notification went off.

"Ugh. Could you check that for me?" Dan slurred, far too exhausted to look at a bright phone screen at the moment.

Plus having Phil's hand in his jeans pockets didn't sound like a bad idea right about then.

"What's it say?" Dan mumbled, turning to his side

"Charlie tweeted you." Phil sighed, knowing Dan shouldn't deal with this while he's drunk but also knowing even when intoxicated Dan can tell when Phil is hiding something from a thousand miles away.

"Ha! What'd he say?" Dan sounded bitter but amused.

"He said 'I feel like I interact with your fandom more than you do is this ok I just they're so fun'. Sounds like he had another interrogation liveshow." Phil said, wishing Dan would just ignore it and go to bed but of course next thing Phil knew Dan was grabbing the phone from him and typing back a response.

"What're you going to say?" Phil asked, worried that Dan could let something slip.

"I told him to eat shit." Dan said, his whole body turned tense.

Phil checked the phone when Dan gave it back and read what he tweeted back.

'@charlieskies haha across facebook/Twitter/younow/the radio/outside the BBC & making videos i'm pretty sure i'll always hold the cup'

Phil prayed Charlie would leave it at that.

Less than five minutes later there's a reply.

"He said he thought you'd prefer holding balls." Phil mumbled Charlie's reply quietly to Dan who immediately gets up from his stiff seat to pace the rug.

"I don't understand why he's being a dick!" Dan pushed a hand through his fringe, "He knows what this could do to us! We've been over this with him!"

The conversation just started and Phil already felt defeated, "He's just jealous Dan."

"Of what? Something he doesn't have anymore? You?" Dan asked, his heart pounding in his ears.

"Of you."

Dan turned to Phil, his eyes full of frustrated tears, his face flushed with shock that Charlie could be such an ass, "Why would he be jealous of me? Me!"

Phil softened, "You have what he wants."

Dan only got louder, "How do I have what he wants? He wants to whine about a few thousand internet people asking him about a past relationship? Try hiding your love for someone to over a million! I'm the one being bombarded with questions about our relationship! I'm the one who has been stalked and analysed to oblivion! I'm the one who's dad!... well you know..."

Dan started pacing again, a little less angry and little more unsteady, "A-and he thinks he can just try and take you from me?"

Phil looked at Dan in bewilderment, "He couldn't take me if he tried."

Dan looked at Phil and kept yelling, "Well he's trying and it pisses me off!"

Phil wanted to smile at how jealous Dan could get, it was kind of cute that he could somehow think Charlie of all people could do anything to waver how he felt for Dan, "If it makes you feel better I've installed a home security system around my heart. No ones stealing it but you."

Dan didn't seem to hear Phil at this point, "I mean I try to be his friend! We went on that fucking double date with him! He's the one who ran off with Stephen! He's the one who didn't know how to tell you how he felt! He's the one who screwed up! And it was all years ago! Why is he being such a royal jerk to me?" Dan stopped pacing and faced Phil, his face looking ready to crumble.

Suddenly Dan's jealousy wasn't cute.

"I don't even know what to say to that tweet! I don't know what to do..." Dan looked like he was going to collapse, his shoulders slumping.

It was obvious that he was hurting, his brown eyes were never good at hiding emotion, "Why is he bringing this up now?"

Phil had never felt anger towards Charlie. Phil had been sad when things hadn't worked out, had been hurt that he wasn't enough for Charlie. But anger? No. But now with Charlie causing Dan so much distress it was easier than ever to be completely furious with him.

Charlie could hurt Phil all he wanted but the minute that boy so much as messed with Dan's subs Phil was done.

"Here, how about I type up a sober response for you and if you like it you can tweet it out, alright?" Phil asked, trying to focus on the next step.

Dan nodded his agreement and handed Phil his phone.

"How about, 'darn Charlie i just think you can be a bit crazy like you're being now sometimes you're really nice and funny but then quite aggressive and i'm not sure why as we don't really know each other and i just don't like any drama llamas in my life sorry'." Phil read what he wrote out loud.

Dan thought for a moment, "The part about the drama llamas is good. Makes me sound relaxed about the situation."

Dan took the phone back from Phil to tweak what Phil had written before tweeting it out in three segments.

Less than a minute later Charlie replied with: maybe we should just leave it because you don't want me saying what i want to say to you right now in a public timeline.

"What is he even on about? Is he actually threatening to out us?" Dan looked like he was going to explode and simultaneously hide in a corner, like he was deciding whether fight or flight was the best response, "Is he seriously going to take this out on me? He has to know any falling out you guys had in 2009 was between the two of you!"

"It's easier for Charlie to blame you than himself... And it must be hard for him, you know?" Phil might think Charlie was a pathetic excuse for a man but that didn't mean Phil didn't know what was going on in his head.

Phil had known Charlie longer than Dan and although most of that time had been spent apart he definitely had kept his eye on him. Charlie wasn't a stranger and even now it wasn't hard for anyone sober to tell what Charlie's motives were, no matter how petty they were.

Dans frustrated expression turned to shock and hurt, "Hard for _him_? Are you even hearing yourself!"

Phil figured he sounded like he actually felt bad for Charlie, really it was just that he understood even if he hated how Charlie was handling it, "Yeah, I mean I'm sure it's hard for him seeing us together."

Dan looked like he didn't know what to say, he kept pacing, "Well if you sympathize so deeply with him being an utter asshole to me then you two would make a lovely couple!" Dan's eyes darted across the room in search for Phil's phone, "I reckon you should call him right now and," Dan handed Phil his phone, "a-and tell him how much you truly missed out on a proper relationship with him!"

Phil searched Dan's face as it wavered from frustration to worry.

This had gone on for too long, Charlie needed to understand to lay off for good, "Yeah alright."

Phil kept his eyes on his phone as he dialed Charlie, ignoring the huffing sounds from Dan before he got Charlie's voicemail, "Hi Charlie it's Phil. Sorry for calling out of the blue... actually it's not out of the blue and I'm not sorry. We're pretty pissed as to how you're treating us. You try to out us online, you make rude remarks about Dan, you're passive aggressive to me and it's all stirring up a lot of questions from our subscribers that we really can't handle right now. If you can't respect our relationship you don't have to, if you can't respect me or Dan or our careers you don't have to; what you do have to respect is that you had your chance years ago and I let go any hope for me and you working out before I even started talking to Dan and I would've left you even if Dan hadn't come along."

Phil took a deep breath.

This was going to be his last chance to tell Charlie what he needed to, "You can't steal someone that isn't taken. Dan never stole me because I was not yours. Stop treating Dan like a home wrecker."

Phil looked to Dan, glad that even on a shitty night like tonight it was Dan he was making it through with, "Dan makes me happy. If you ever cared for me stop trying to ruin this."

Phil clicked end call and looked to Dan.

"So that's it then?" Dan sat back down next to Phil.

Phil wasn't done, "No;" Phil clicked around on his phone for a few seconds before showing Dan that he had blocked Charlie's cell, "alright that's it. I would do the same on Twitter except that it would give merit to what Charlie said. We need to make people believe we took it as a joke."

Dan looked at Phil's phone, then up at Phil, "So I got worked up over nothing then?"

Not for the first time Phil wished he had more than words to tell Dan how much he loved him, "I'm with you, one hundred and two percent. It's easier for Charlie to be angry at you than to grieve over losing a relationship he only now realized he lost years ago. He's immature. Don't give him mind because he's sure out of mine."

Dan took a deep breath, "Am I silly for worrying though?"

Phil smiled down at their hands, "Of course you're silly for worrying,"

Phil looked next to him to find Dan smiling back, "but if some ex of yours was being an utter shit head to me and obviously not over you I'd act quite silly too. We can be silly together, deal?"

Dan couldn't contain his smile as he curled up on his side of the bed, "Deal."

The room was silence for a minute until Dan sat up suddenly and grabbed his phone, "Sorry I just can't sleep until I've blocked him on Twitter and Facebook and anything else I can."

Phil chuckled.

•••

"Not much I guess." Dan lies, "So the book then?"

"Yeah it was this really random idea we had in the summer of 2014!" Phil says, looking to the camera.

"We were just in the lounge talking about you guys," Dan gestures to the camera, "and how everything we share with you guys is on here, online. Sure there's meet and greets, but so many of you guys haven't met us and we want something for you guys to have irl as a symbol of our appreciation."

"Yeah I mean at first we thought about making a sort of hug pillow with our cologne on it so you guys could feel like you're hugging us even if you haven't met us but that's just a little too strange." Phil jokes.

Dan chuckles, "But then we thought 'Hey, what about a sort of scrapbook?' something to commemorate all the amazing things that have happened in our lives so far and all the memories we've shared with the Internet."

"Yeah really great moments like that time you hit a panic alarm button!" Phil teases.

Dan responds not a beat late, "Yeah or that time you dropped your headphones on a grumpy passenger sat next to you on a flight to America."

Phil chuckles, looking over at Dan, "You were on that flight too!"

Dan rolls his eyes, "Yeah but I wasn't the one who dropped their headphones on Angry Pete."

"It could have just as easily been you!" Phil debates.

"A lot of awkward things could've been done by me, but was this specific thing done by me? No. I win." Dan points to his chest proudly.

"You win? I didn't know there was a competition." Phil jokes, rolling his eyes at Dan's competitiveness.

"Yup. I win." Dan nods, nearing a chuckle.

"Wow, so persuasive. You would've been an amazing lawyer." Phil pushes his shoulder into Dan's playfully.

"What were we even talking about?" Dan asks quietly, using the tone he normally speaks in instead of his camera voice.

"Um... the first book!" Phil recounts.

"Right, the bible."

•••

August 11th 2014:

"According to the phandom, today is our three year anniversary of moving in together." Dan scoffed, continuing to scroll through tumblr.

"We filmed that video like two days after you moved in, they aren't all that far off." Phil shrugged, sipping on his coffee.

Dan stopped scrolling for a minute, looking up at Phil who was working on setting up an anime to watch.

"It's kind of nice." Dan thought out loud.

"What; that they don't know the real date?" Phil chuckled, putting in a DVD of Attack on Titan.

"No, I mean, yes but it's nice that they celebrate all the anniversaries of our firsts." Dan noted, closing his laptop and grabbing his bowl of lucky charms.

"Really?" Phil asked.

_Since when was any anniversary of theirs for their subscribers to celebrate? Since when was Dan ok with their subscribers making big deals of things that just weren't big deals to either of them anymore? Even the innocent celebrations of the first Pinof upload used to piss Dan off._

"I mean it's like they all just celebrate the next step of this whole world of Dan and Phil. Like even the things that happened years ago, career or personal they're happy for us and it's... I don't know" Dan shook his head.

Phil knew exactly where Dan's mind had gone. Their subscribers were more supportive of silly things like moving in with a guy he had been practically lived in with for a year. They might be nosy at times but at least they cared.

"I know." Phil smiled, abandoning the remote to go sit next to Dan.

They sat together in silence with easy smiles on their faces.

"You know," Dan started, holding Phil's hand in his, "we should really have a physical thing to celebrate all the things we do together, career and personal."

"What, like a scrapbook?" Phil asked.

"Kind of, but maybe more words so we don't forget in our old age what the pictures are from. We could even sell a few copies at meet and greets or something, after all we wouldn't be here without them." Dan cracked a smile, looking over at Phil who smiled back.

"Ok, let's do it." Phil replied easily.

"Anime first?" Dan asked, nodding his head to the tv.

"Anime first." Phil agreed, smiling at the brunet boy next to him and taking a moment to appreciate that he had gone from one polar negative to one of the most relaxed stances Phil had ever seen him in.

What a lucky man he was to be with Dan Howell.

•••

"You really blew my mind that day." Phil admits, nodding a little at the memory.

Dan explains, "Well I love you, I wanted to document the most important bits." 

"We left so much out of TABINOF." Phil almost complains.

"Well that's why we're making this video!" Dan chirps, sitting a little straighter and licking his dry lips.

"I just realized how long this video is going to be." Phil tells Dan, his eyes wide in mild panic.

"Well there's a lot to explain!" Dan defends.

 Phil retorts, unamused, "Who is going to sit through a thirty minute video of two stupidly love struck men with silly matching haircuts talk about things they already pretty much knew."

"Who cares?" Dan chuckles, "It's our channels. We want to talk about the elephant in the room even if that elephant has a fringe, heart eyes, and an unhealthy obsession with muse and anime boys."

Phil rolls his eyes playfully, "I don't have an obsession with anime boys."

Dan's smile freezes and then he begins to snicker.

"What?" Phil asks.

"I just," Dan chuckles, shaking his head, "I just thought of a really arrogant joke but I can't get myself to say it."

Phil elbows Dan lightly, "Well you can't just leave us hanging!" 

"I was going to say that you should have an obsession with anime boys because aren't I handsome like one?" Dan cringes as he says it, closing his eyes and putting two fingers to his temples.

"No," Phil says, "because you're better than any anime boy."

"Well you just won championship of cheesiest slash stupidest thing ever said in a YouTube video." Dan looks jokingly embarrassed to be sitting next to Phil, and can't help but blush.

Phil looks at Dan, "I don't know about that one Danny, there's some pretty stupid YouTube videos out there."

Dan smirks, "A close second then."

"Definitely a close second." Phil faces the camera again, "Speaking of seconds! After the book was approved to be written and published we started thinking about a tour to go with it!"

"That's the transition you're going with, is it?" Dan sniggers, using a loose fist to cover his smile.

Phil nods.

Dan searches Phil's body language.

Phil nods more vigorously.

"Well alright!" Dan chuckles, turning back to the camera.

"It was a lot to handle!" Phil exclaims, his hands waving around, "We had the book to write, the photo shoots to go to, the teaser video to make, the show to write, the practices to attend and so much more!" Phil counts them on his fingers as he speaks.

Dan nods, "Yeah it was definitely the most work we had ever done."

"We were exhausted! The only thing left to do was important publishing type things and practicing for the stage show so I decided to set up a trip for me and Danny boy here as a little holiday!" Phil says, patting Dan's shoulder.

"Yeah the spontaneous trip to Japan. The era you guys like to call 'Japhan'." Dan blushes at all the amazing memories they had from that trip.

Phil starts, "We were writing and-" 

"More like bickering " Dan corrects with a chuckle.

•••

February 16th 2015 4:05am:

"I just realized we've completely missed Valentine's Day." Dan said, checking Facebook for the first time in weeks.

"Have you not gone outside? There was red and pink hearts everywhere." Phil said, his eyebrows knit.

"No I haven't been outside! I've been writing a whole damn book, and so have you! When have you been outside?" Dan asked, a little grumpy from the lack of sleep.

"Well you won't leave the computer for one minute! I've been the one getting our groceries!" Phil felt pouty, like a four year old.

"I won't leave the computer because I have a book to write, Phil! Plus, I thought those groceries were from Tesco delivery." Dan pouted back, far too tired to be arguing.

Phil yawned, "I was wondering why you hadn't noticed the Mario brother themed flowers I got for you."

"I noticed them! Just thought they were for your nerd collection." Dan replied lazily, yawning back.

"You're the one with a shrine dedicated to Guild Wars!" Phil shot back.

"Oh my god we can not be actually fighting about this." Dan shook his head, "I'm so tired Phil; and this is just the writing of the book! We have photo shoots to do and meetings with our publisher and the teaser to film and edit and release, and then after all that we have get ready for the tour and then actually go on the tour! If writing the damn book is this exhausting I don't want to know what going to a new city every night to dance on stage will do to me!"

Phil agreed, "Yeah I don't know how we'll survive actually."

"I want to go on holiday," Dan sighed, thinking out loud, "Oh Jesus, I just realized I haven't been on holiday in two years."

Phil remembered, "Yeah it was the trip to India with your family." 

"And we haven't been on holiday together since what - Italy?" Dan asked, his eyes glazing over at any math of the years.

"We should go somewhere." Phil stated.

Dan sounded exhausted, "Where? We have things to do and for once a schedule to keep to." 

Phil knew Dan wanted this book and tour more than anything else in his career but Phil also knew when Dan was about to go into overload. ShakeAway wasn't going to solve this one.

"How about Japan?" Phil asked, determined.

"What?" Dan questioned.

"We know Duncan and Mimei. They live in Tokyo, I'm sure they'd be happy to show us around for a few days." Phil said, already starting to type flight schedules into his computer.

"Woah; are you even hearing yourself? We have a **book** to finish and a **tour** to get ready for and you want to just pick up and go to Japan?" Dan was sure Phil had gone absolutely mad.

"I want to go to Japan, and I want to go with you; and if we don't go now we never will. I'm booking the flights right now - there's one that leaves April 11th are you in or out tell me now or forever hold your peace." Phil said his words fast, looking to Dan to get confirmation.

Dan watched Phil's eyes as they met his own.

"Ok." Dan whispered, feeling an excited warmth grow in his chest.

•••

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright please let me know if any of you liked this? i'm really super new to writing angst. i hope you're all doing ok :) oh also the next chapter might be a bit late as i have n o i d e a what i'm doing


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